'AITA for calling my daughter a 'selfish insecure little brat'?'
"AITA for calling my daughter a 'selfish insecure little brat?'"
My daughter (16) and I have gotten into a massive fight. My daughter has always been a picky eater and we have always done our best to accommodate her (Feeding her before parties weddings etc).
The problem lies with my husband's upcoming birthday (turning 50). The restaurant he has picked is very special to us. That is where we first met as children for a business deal our parents had, and then we became best friends when he asked me out in that very restaurant. Our first date was there.
It's where he proposed to me and who catered our wedding, I told him I was pregnant and we held my daughter's 1st birthday there. Unfortunately, we couldn’t go there a lot as we had to move for his job.
Basically, all the major events of our lives were held there. So for my husband's birthday to celebrate him turning half a century old, we want to go there. We once took our daughter there when she was 10 and she hated it.
But now since she is 16 I thought she would have matured enough and I'm forcing her to eat. She has the option of eating at home and I've told her so many times that the restaurant does have food she likes to eat, but she claims it smells bad.
It is a seafood restaurant but we always sit outside at our usual table so I don’t understand that. She says that we are being selfish but I told her it's not about her it's not her day.
In anger, she has refused to talk to us and not doing her usual chores and is refusing to eat. My husband is heartbroken and thinks it is all his fault and wants to cancel but I think it will just fuel her brattiness.
Today my husband had to work late so it was only my daughter and me. When I called for my daughter to come to eat she looked at the food and then took the plate and dumped it in the bin.
I was shocked, food is valuable and she didn’t have to do that. I snapped at her calling her a selfish insecure little brat. That she is not only hurting her father but ruining his birthday and it's not as if we are asking her to give up a kidney.
That if she continues this behavior we will never fund her birthday parties ever again. She said that I am a terrible mother for saying that. I feel like I went overboard but that she is acting like a brat. AITA?
Edit: I am sorry for the late reply I posted this and went to sleep, No my daughter does not have anything like autism or any food allergies, we tested her when she was 10.
We can’t leave her at home because this restaurant is across the country from where we a going to meet our family and according to our country's laws she is still not allowed to be alone for more than a day without parental supervision.
We have never had a fight like this and she usually is a chill kid, I have no idea what has gotten into her. The reason we are not too strict with our daughter's eating habits is that we grew up in houses that were verbally and physically abusive, and it affected my husband the most.
We never had the chance to go to therapy because at first, it was not a thing then it was too expensive and well we figured we didn’t have to. We did not want our daughter to be like us and we thought if she didn’t cause tantrums who is it really affecting?
But my daughter has always gotten good grades and has had a lot of friends so this behavior is really unique.
The internet jumped in with their thoughts and hot takes:
SylviaCee5 wrote:
INFO: Is her picky eating related to any medical conditions (e.g., sensory issues)?
Why was there an assumption that picky eating was a phase she would grow out of?
What is your relationship with your daughter like overall?
Is this how conflicts are usually resolved in your household? I noticed you and your daughter said/did hurtful things to each other in anger/frustration, but you're the adult & you get to decide how to manage conflict. Could you resolve the dispute without either party calling the other names or making threats?
Prestigious-Kiwi-935 OP responded:
nope, we got her tested and we had doctors say she is just picky and she will grow out of it. My daughter and I get along very well, she is usually a sweet and very chill kid.
This is the 1st time i have ever snapped at her and the 1st time she has done anything like this. We usually have an "I'm angry so don’t disturb" sock so she uses it when she is pissed and then after she has calmed down she comes to me and we resolve it.
HistorySweet9902 wrote:
NTA And I honestly don’t understand all the AH comments. Daughter is 16, old enough to know better! Yesterday people criticized a mother for always catering to her picky eater, and making sure wherever they go kid likes the food.
Initial728 wrote:
You are NTA but your daughter certainly is. Please don't cater to her as you're right, it will fuel things. If she can't get over herself for a special dinner with her dad, why not leave her at home as she will probably just cause unnecessary drama.
She seriously needs to grow up and learn that the world doesn't revolve around her. If she doesn't learn it now the world will teach her and it won't be a nice lesson.
gte105u wrote:
NTA. You called her out on how she was behaving. Now if you berate her continuously it would change (I mean if OP keeps berating daughter OP would become TA). But to shock her with harsh words is needed as a teenager sometimes.
She's not a wilting lilly. And she's old enough to know how she's acting is wrong. She can legally drive (in the US) and almost old enough to vote and join the army. She can handle being called out.
Now help her with positivity on improving going forward. If she refuses to get past herself for her father's special day leave her behind when you go there. She is old enough to travel and then stay at the room for dinner. That will be better than a teenage tantrum at dinner.
couchmonster2920 wrote:
NTA. I was a bratty 16-year-old girl not that long ago, and sometimes we’re jerks and need to be told that we’re being jerks! Like you said, you’re not forcing her to eat there, just reinforcing that this is a special event and not about her.
She threw way too big of a temper tantrum for what she was actually being asked to do and you called her out on it.
Picky eater with sensory issues. I can sit nicely for a dinner most of the time (very very small percentage of times I can become overstimulated but never to where I had to leave). Daughter can handle an hour unless she has an actual severe aversion to the smell.