Woman asks for advice after husband refuses to move for her promotion.

Navigating relationships is hard, and once you add kids and careers to the mix you have an even more complex situation. One family is feeling this on all fronts, and the mom took to the Reddit community to ask for advice. Here’s what she wants to know.

ThrowRAMoneyOrHim (OP) posted in the relationship forum on Reddit looking for advice on a recent career opportunity. She writes:

We've been married for almost a decade and have two children that are elementary school age. I work remotely. My job offered to literally double my income if I move to be local to where the company is. To me, this is a no brainer. That's a life changing offer for us and our kids. However, he refuses to move. His family is here, and he won't leave them.

He says money isn't everything, but it would make their life a whole lot easier.

He claims money isn't everything, which is true. But it sure helps and with the promotion I've been offered, he could travel to see them as much as he wanted to. He wouldn't even have to work if he didn't want to.

He says he's happy here and he wants the kids to grow up around family. I get that. I do. However, if he wants the kids to grow up around family, we're living in the wrong state anyways because I have 100x the amount of family in a different state than he has here. What he means is he wants the kids to grow up around his family.

His refusal to move makes this woman feel like her husband is choosing his family over their family.

I am interpreting this as him choosing his family over me and that crushes me. WE (The kids and I) are his family and he should want to do whatever he can to give US the best possible life. Never in my life did I think I'd have to fight for the priority spot in his life over his mom.

I don't know what to do. I want this promotion. I will never see this kind of money otherwise. At the same time, I am not one to thump my chest to get my way. We always make decisions together, but we're at a crossroads with this and I don't know how to reach a mutual agreement. No matter which route we take, someone loses.

She posed the question: What would Reddit do? Take the promotion with or without him? Or decline the promotion and stay here where his family is?

Dietcokeisgod answered her question with another:

If you decide to not take the promotion you are likely to resent him. Would it be possible for you to commute?

The OP answered saying:

That's my fear... Resenting him. But at the same time, I don't want him to resent me... And, no, my job is located many states away.

BamaSOH offers some insight based on their own experience:

Part of the reason for my parents divorce was all the great jobs my dad wouldn't let my mom take because he didn't want to move anywhere.

t4mpon tries to find a compromise asking:

Can you guys agree to try it for a year? If you own your house, keep it and rent it out so you can come back if you have to. If he’s miserable at the end of the year, then revisit the decision.

lowlysquib says it's time to think about her for a change:

Choose you for once. Don’t let this dynamic be all your kids see of an adult relationship. Time to stand up for yourself, and them.

KitchenCellist suggests therapy after OP says she always puts her husband first:

Maybe therapy for yourself to figure out why you always put him first, even above your own interests.

And magictubesocksofjoy thinks about the future and proposes another question:

Let's say the 'one emergency expense' happens. how are you going to handle waking up next to the person whose stubbornness means you have no savings to help you, no buffer to shield you from this one life-ruining emergency expense?

how are you going to explain your financial crash to your kids when their lives are flipped upside down?

ThrowRAMoneyOrHim edited her original post to provide more details:

Where my job is, we've lived there before. We lived where we are currently for 6 years, where my job is for 4, then we moved back a year ago. My daughter wants to move back. My son doesn't.

We are 'one emergency expense' away from being homeless type of middle class. We have no savings, we can't vacation, my parents pay for school supplies and clothes.

She says the only reason he told her he doesn't want to move is because his mom lives near by:

My biggest issue is that his sole reason for not wanting to move (At least what he tells me) is that he wants to stay close to his mom. I am not looking for a divorce. I take my marriage very seriously. I feel I've sacrificed a shit ton to ensure this marriage stays successful. Divorce is not something I entertain. That's why, when push comes to shove, I know I'll be the one to give up my opportunity. For the sake of keeping my family together. That's how it's always gone. I know that that's where this is headed.

starrynight75 says maybe it's time to think of something different:

Or... you and the kids move. He can stay home with his Mom and commute to see you all on the weekends. You’re doing what you can for their future, he’s snuggling up to Mom.

masuka1219 offers a story of a similar situation with her ex-husnand:

Already divorced and share 50/50 custody of the kids. In addition to doubling my salary (including bonus), the company included all moving expenses including up to $25,000 reimbursement if you sold your house at a loss. The job was 2 hours away (so... not several states away, understand this is a huge difference).

The point of all that? MY EX HUSBAND WAS WILLING TO MOVE SO I COULD TAKE THE JOB. Let me say that again - my ex-husband was willing to move because he knew what it would mean for the kids. After struggling for years as two single parents... it would be life changing. And it was.

Long story, but I ended up moving a bit closer to work. Ex-husband did in fact move... he had to move 5 minutes away from his current house so he would be in-district and the kids could stay in the school they loved. On my nights - he drives to my place in the morning to get the kids for school. In return? I pay for travel hockey, give him cash to chip in for groceries and gas and finally can save for college. We compromised and the kids are better off. I’ve since gotten to take them on their first real vacation to the ocean.

Your husband is being selfish. You have the opportunity to change your kid’s lives. Do it. You won’t regret it

SunsetGrind has this to say:

I personally don't believe in sacrificing career opportunities. Especially if it means having a better life for you and your kids. You two need to have an objective discussion about this. The LEAST he can do is discuss without having his mind already made up. Also let him know how you feel about him choosing his mom over his wife and kids.

A deleted user who had been following the OP's responses in the thread says it might be more than just the job bothering her husband:

The more I read your responses the more it seems like he doesn’t want his wife being the breadwinner.

And IamPlatycus says either way this lands, it's not going to be great for their marriage:

Either way your marriage is going to take some damage. You're going to need counseling to repair the already apparent resentment growing on both sides, counseling you can better afford by taking the promotion

Relationships are hard, and there really is a lot of compromise that needs to happen for the partnership to remain healthy. Refusing to talk it out like this situation? Not a good look.