If you grew up trick or treating, ou already know there are good and bad candy houses. The good candy houses are stocked up on full-size, sometimes king-size candy bars, they have Reeses and Kit Kats and all the hits, and let kids scoop up huge bundles at a time only to later terrorize their parents.
The bad candy houses often don't even hand out candy. There's usually some browned apple slices, a paper full of Religious propaganda, or worse yet, a box of raisins. The arbitrary lines drawn between the good and bad candy houses are defined by children's preferences, and of course, trick or treating limits (more candy is always better).
While children are quick to delineate good and bad trick or treating houses, parents usually don't have opinions beyond ensuring everyone's safe. Unless, of course, they are a deeply concerned dad who fears their child will be subjected to poor person candy.
'Halloween is officially 6 weeks away, and I was hoping to catch you all before you make your candy selections. Over the last three Halloweens, I've noticed my son's candy stock has become more and more diluted with cheap candy. I don't know if this trend is the result of the referendum high water bills, or even the construction, but cheap candy has somehow infiltrated our community for Halloween and it has to stop.'
He then laid out the unacceptable candies, and which corresponding poor neighborhoods they were meant for, before reminding his neighbors that they were far too affluent for such swine.
'Dum Dums, Smarties, and Jolly Ranchers may be suitable Northlake, Villa Park, and Addison, but not here in Elmhurst. We are an affluent neighborhood and this status should be reflected in our candy provisions for Halloween. Standard size candy is the bar (pun intended) we set for our community on Halloween.
If you purchased the fun size, you don't need to return them. Just keep in mind that 3-4 of those fun size bars equate to a standard size bar when you doll out that candy to trick or treaters.'
Honestly though, who among us hasn't been disappointed by a penny on Halloween?!
'For the elderly who hand out coins, unless you plan on throwing some quarters into the mix, stop peddling your pennies and step up your game this Halloween. It's a calculated loss to the trick or treaters after you adjust for inflation and the opportunity cost of what they could have received elsewhere if they had just skipped your house.'
No one is safe in this Halloween take-down.
'And while we're setting the guidelines for acceptable candy this season, let's also keep dark chocolate out of circulation. These might make a great cheat treat for when certain individuals have their mensies but no child enjoys dark chocolate, so stop slinging it.'
'For those who do not want to take my advice, let it be known that this year, there are several of us parents patrolling and monitoring the candy distribution of houses in our neighborhood.
We will be carrying around small cans of spray paint and marking the sidewalks in front of your house with a red dot in hopes of preventing others from experiencing the same ill fate and time wasted. We will also be noting your address and creating/selling a color-coded map for the 2020 Halloween season (app projected to launch for the 2021 season).
Once you're marked and listed on the map, you might as well turn off the lights and stop celebrating Halloween!'
The post ended with a threat, and the satire level of absurdity inspired a Reddit discussion about whether it a pure troll move, or a real post.
'I honestly think this is one of those parents that sorts through their kid's candy, pretends part of it is 'unsafe' and needs to be thrown away, but actually keeps the 'bad' candy for themselves.'
'It's a nice town and not as rich as some surrounding neighborhoods, but some of the most entitled people live there. I'm from there and can confirm they're a bunch of pricks. Our f*cking gym teacher is paid six figures.'
'Ffs, guys, this is satire. I am part of this facebook group. This guy makes posts like this at least once a week. He writes for the city's satirical newspaper.'
'I live in chicago and apparently this guy just posts in the elmhurst group to get all the yuppies up in arms. Bc they are a bunch of entitled assholes who think they are better than everyone else.'
In the end, it's not about whether the candy cop dad was real or not, it's about the Dum Dums we ate along the way.