Half-sibling relationships can be incredibly complicated, especially if the half-siblinghood is rooted in an affair.
All too often, parents don't give kids healthy expectations and boundaries within complicated family situations. This can cause serious long-term confusion and disappointment in young kids.
AITA for saying I don't care if my half siblings feel left out because it's not my mom's job to mother them? My parents were married and had me (16f) and my brother (18m). My dad had an affair with Kate, so mom divorced him. Ellie (11f) was the result of the affair and Tommy (9m) was born when dad married Kate.
A year later Kate died. My dad's family rallied around my half-siblings and tried to make up for the loss of their mother. My mom shared custody of me and my brother with my dad.
He had asked her to include Ellie and Tommy in her life after Kate died, and even told my brother and I a few times that they would be coming to mom's with us and she'd be their mom now too. My mom never did take Ellie or Tommy into her home.
I don't even think she's ever interacted with them. When I look back at moments where everyone was present, she was always on one side with her family and dad was another with his and my half-siblings.
Ellie and Tommy as they have gotten bigger have expressed all the emotions you might when you don't have a mom but you sometimes share a home with kids who do. They get jealous, sad, frustrated.
They have asked for us to share mom with them, they have wanted to come along when they hear mom is taking us on vacation. They have wanted us to all spend Christmas together. All kinds of stuff.
They also have just dad's side of the family since none of Kate's want to be in their lives. But we have both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles involved in our lives.
A few times over the years dad, or my grandma or uncle have asked me if I dislike that my mom won't open her heart to kids who are part of my family. I always said no, because they are not her kids.
It doesn't make sense to me that she would. My dad wanted to try and get my half siblings wish to come true for a Christmas where we're all together, which would include my brother and I and our mom.
Mom said no. She did not engage with him beyond her no. Ellie and dad then tried to get me to talk mom around and I said no and I told them I did not want to talk her around. Ellie got upset hearing that and left.
Dad and my grandparents then cornered me later and asked me how can I say that when I know Ellie and Tommy feel left out and that they crave mothering.
I told them I don't care if they feel left out because it's not my mom's job to mother them.
I would never expect her to do it and since one can't be fixed without the other thing happening ie, them feeling left out can't be fixed unless they feel like they now have a mom in my mom, then I realize it's not going to happen.
They told me my mom could, and should, have love for them as her children's siblings. I told them dad should have thought about that before he cheated on her and got another woman pregnant while he was still married to mom. AITA?
The internet quickly rallied to give OP their take on the situation.
I think the only a**holes are your father and any family member who put into those kids' heads (they are only 11 and 9) that your mother should have accepted and loved them as if they were her own.
I get you saying it to them, but you gotta understand that those kids have been brainwashed to believe your mother owed them something.
Those kids need therapy (and to be removed from your father's care because he's doing a lot of damage with his BS). NTA.
NTA, as much as I feel sorry for the kids who have no fault they are the result of their father's affair, your mom shouldn't be pressured to mother them precisely because they are the result of the affair. If your dad is so desperate for them to have mom, he should remarry.
NTA. I don’t get why families act like this. Your mum has no responsibility to those kids whatsoever and everything you have said about this situation is correct.
Hold your ground OP. This is so unfair to you and your mum for the way they are treating you. I hope they stop soon otherwise they really are going to damage your relationship with one another.
NTA. It’s not the kids’ fault, however your dad is selfish, entitled, and delusional. The fact he thinks that your mum will want to “mother” his love children is barbaric. She owes them and him absolutely nothing. Your dad is TA.
NTA your dad is for sure and he's trying really hard to make his poor decisions everyone else's responsibility to help with. Your mom has 0 obligation to the kids he had with someone else. The audacity for him to even ask after his actions that led to the divorce is insane.
'Hey I know I cheated on you, destroyed the marriage, had a kid while still married to you but I really need you to be a mother for these kids even though they are a constant reminder of my infidelity and have no connection to you beyond that.'
You are a rock star for standing up for your mother. Shame on your grandparents for trying to force the issue on you and your mother. NTA.
Clearly, no one thinks OP is TA, the main concern here is for OP, her mother, and the children who don't deserve to be in this nonsense.