The relationship between step-parents and their step-kids can be deeply complicated. In a best-case scenario, the kid feels like they have a bonus parent.
In worst-case scenarios, they feel like another adult is trying to wedge their way into an authority position in their lives. Or worse yet, replace one of their parents.
My mom died when I (17m) was a baby so I don't remember her but her family was a big presence in my life and I vacation with them every summer (2020 excluded). Dad met his wife when I was 7.
They were together for 6 months when she told me she loved me (after meeting her three other times before that) and she could not wait to give me another mom. I told her I didn't want another mom. She was sad but said she understood.
They married a few months after that and then when I was 9 she and my dad sat me down and told me she wanted to adopt me and that she loved me so much and her dream was to be my mom. I told them I still didn't think of her as my mom.
She asked if I loved her enough to try, to give it a shot and we could wait on the adoption until I was ready. I said I didn't want to. She then said to do it because I loved her. Dad said there was no woman more deserving.
I told them I didn't love her enough to let her be my mom. She cried. My dad told me he didn't know why I was lying but therapy would help me see I loved her. I did go to therapy. I didn't change my mind on letting her be my mom/being adopted by her. So they tried to have a baby of their own.
She was not able to get pregnant but they abandoned the idea of her getting her motherhood dreams out of me, which was good. But she couldn't get pregnant and so IVF was their next step.
I'm not sure on all the details but they only got enough for one try and they waited and prepped her so the pregnancy would stick. She made it to 14 of 15 weeks and then she miscarried three weeks ago. It was bad. She was broken and she ended up staying in the hospital so they could help her. My dad decided that now I need to give her what she wants.
That 10 years of knowing her and 9ish years of her being his wife means she has been my mom whether I like it or not and I need to start showing her that I love and care about her.
He told me the adoption would mean the world to her and would be the biggest help while she grieves. I told him I had enough and his wife's grief was not enough for me to let her adopt me. I told him I did not think of her as my mom, I did not love her, I was not a toy that could fill her motherhood desire.
I told him I'm a real person, his son and mom's son and while I don't know her, you can't just ask someone to be adopted to give another person their dream. He told me he was disappointed in me and expected me to be more compassionate and loving to her after all this time. AITA?
NTA. Honestly, it sounds like they've sabotaged her chances of having a healthy loving relationship with you by trying to force the issue. You can't force someone to care about someone, that's just not how feelings work.
They need to start respecting how you feel. Honestly, I do feel sorry for this woman - it sounds like she's been through some serious trauma - but it's not your job to fix that for her.
NTA. My heart breaks for you. You lost your mum, then your dad and stepmother fell in love with the idea of a perfect family - it was never actually about you. You deserve better from the adults in your life.
You are not a bad person for not wanting to be a kid-shaped prop in their lives. I wish you all the best for next year when you hit 18 and can begin to set boundaries as an adult with then both.
NTA. You have a mom, & it doesn't matter if you remember her or not. She carried you, she gave birth to you, & your dad is wrong for trying to erase her existence as your mother. I understand your stepmom loves you.
And that's OK, you don't have to love her as a mom. You don't have to treat her as a mom. As long as you treat her respectfully and as a person. Has she mentioned it again since the miscarriage, or is it all your dad?
INFO: Has she ever done anything to you that makes you feel so strongly about rejecting her as a maternal figure?
She will never replace your biologic mum but we have no information on the state of your relationship with her either aside from the fact that you are adamantly opposing the idea of her representing a maternal figure to you.
This being said, I am on the verge of N A-hole here to be honest.
I'll get down voted to hell but ESH. I'm sorry your mother died, but you didn't even know her. You don't have a motherly bond you remember and you seem to be trying so hard to make sure you never feel that.
Truly you don't know the loss of a mother beyond what you are trying so hard to cling to. You sound like an ungrateful kid because that's probably what you are.
Whether you like it or not, your stepmom raised you and for all intents and purposes is your mother, you just don't like her. She deserves better than an ungrateful kid and I feel bad for her.
That being said, your parents shouldn't have pushed adoption on you. They should've left it alone and let you come to the idea yourself.
I'm curious how much of your feelings are purely out of loyalty to your birth mother's family you have chosen to close yourself off. Best of luck OP, I'm sure you'll probably regret how you're treating her when you're older.
After a few people asked OP to clarify on the nature of his relationship with his stepmother, he left a short response:
She made me uncomfortable by moving so fast and so forcefully. I always felt like she put her dreams of motherhood on me and that wasn't fun either.
It seems clear that most people don't blame him for setting boundaries, but a few people are curious about the lack of empathy expressed in the post.