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Wife asks if she's wrong for refusing to be a SAHM against husband's wishes.

Wife asks if she's wrong for refusing to be a SAHM against husband's wishes.


Ah, motherhood! Whether working or staying at home, one thing is certain: mothers will *always* be judged by others for doing it wrong.

When a young, pregnant woman found her life completely turned upside down by her new husband, she looked for ways to find more meaning in her life. Namely, just looking for a job. But when that was met with extreme resistance by her in-laws, she took to Reddit to ask if she had actually done anything wrong.

Here is her maddeningly frustrating story. Make sure to stay tuned for the responses.

'AITA (Am I the as*hole) for not wanting to be SAHM (Stay at home mom) and find a job instead?'

My husband’s father passed away recently. He grew up on a large farm in Kansas and him and his mother inherited the farm. My husband, John (24m) and I (21f) met while he was living in New Orleans, attending Tulane on athletic scholarship and I was working as a waitress. We fell on love and he proposed quickly.

We married a few months ago and I am currently 3 months pregnant. We’ve been living in NOLA but since his father’s passing, his mother needs help with the farm and he suggested we move there and it will be better for the child to be raised on the farm anyway. I didn’t really want to do that but I agreed as I knew how much it meant to him.

That's a huge change.

When we got there, I was surprised how big and isolated the farm was. My husband and I share one car and his mother has another. I asked to take the car the other day to go to town to look for jobs but he sat me down and told me it wouldn’t be very practical for me to have a job atm because we only have 2 cars for 3 people.

And they can’t spare one for me to take for 8 hours a day and they can’t drive me to and from work when there’s so much to be done on the farm.

I mean, it seems doable... he just doesn't seem to want to make it work.

I wasn’t very happy about that but it made sense. So I looked for some jobs online and when we were eating dinner, I started the subject again, saying that I think I will look for some work from home jobs but I will need stable internet connection and asked if there’s anyway we can change providers (as it’s a bit slow).

He told me all work from home jobs are scam and he doesn’t want me falling into a trap and that he needs the laptop available at all times to communicate with his customers. I was devastated but didn’t want to argue and I understand that his work is currently supporting us all (including his mother).

He doesn't even want you on the computer? These seem like excuses...

We had a small family gathering and his sister and SIL asked me why I didn’t want to be SAHM (stay at home mom). I explained them everything. And they told me I should think of my family first, that all kids in this family are raised by SAHM and I should just go with it and everyone will be happier. I said that I would get bored and I need a job to help supporting us but the kept telling me that I should listen to my husband.

So the rest of his family ganged up on you and told you your feelings didn't matter?

When everyone left, John came to our bedroom and we had our first, massive argument. He told me I embarrassed him in front of his family. He told me he can’t believe how heartless I am being and that I clearly don’t care enough for our baby to stay home and raise him. He called me an as*hole and told me it’s best if I slept in guest room for a few nights.

Imagine calling someone 'heartless' and an 'as*hole' for wanting a JOB.

He hasn’t spoken to me since and his mother told me I hurt him and all of them by refusing to carry on family tradition of being a SAHM and that I am bringing shame to him, showing that he can’t support his family.

The women in this family seem to enable his behavior.

And I am torn, I thought I knew what I wanted but everyone is telling me otherwise and my head is a mess. Am I really the asshole for wanting to find a job? Is it really that wrong of me. I thought I was right but now, I am doubting myself.

Wow. That was probably hard to read for a lot of people. There seem to be a lot of red flags that OP hasn't quite picked up on, yet.

Don't worry! The Redditors were all too eager to share their wisdom, which was a resounding GTFO!

This is screaming isolation tactics. NTA (not the as*hole). - chiitaku

NTA, your post gave me chills. You're 21, you should not be living like a prisoner. It's so scary. Can't you see the red flags? You are trapped there with no friends or family and no source of support. You are completely dependent on him for everything fr the food you eat to the clothes you wear, you have nothing for yourself. - whatshouldIdo28

My stomach is literally clenching because I feel how much danger OP is in. She's swimming in a vat of red flags. OP, you are not safe. Please, please get out now. Even if it feels like you have no other options, I guarantee you that you have WAY more options now than you will after your child is born. He got you married and pregnant fast so he could trap you and take away all of your options.

When you are used to ignoring yourself and your needs to make other people happy, taking care of your own safety feels like aggression. Please, get yourself somewhere safe. - _psychologizer_

The fact that he never brought up the ‘family tradition’ of being a SAHM is jarring. He knew that was his plan all along but never mentioned it to OP. This is definitely isolation at its finest and now she’ll have his whole family hounding her about what a terrible person she is because she doesn’t want to live like Little House on the Prairie. - Major_Zucchini5315

Way easier to leave pregnant than with a baby. OP, they are trying to coerce you into their lifestyle. Did your husband ever discuss with you before moving what his plan was for YOU and YOUR life? It sounds like you’ll just be the incubator and caregiver in his eyes, as it doesn’t seem like he has any respect for you as a partner or even a person.

Being a SAHM is so so so hard. You are “on” 24/7, especially if you don’t have a good support system. No car, limited access to computer? Ridiculous. Also, a large majority of WFH jobs send you the equipment you need: laptops, monitors, printers, etc. However, I wouldn’t be surprised that if you were to do that anyway while living in that house, that they would sabotage it however they could.

Really consider leaving. Doing it sooner, rather than later. You can get the marriage annulled, just file right away. Don’t get stuck in this hell of isolation and being told how wrong you are for wanting to just live life. - gimmetots123

I hope that OP reads these messages and takes them to heart! There does seem to be something fishy in the way that family completely dismisses all of her attempts at an ounce of freedom.

And if you or someone you know is experiencing DV, please reach out for help. Watch out for the warning signs of isolation, and don't let anyone tell you your feelings and freedom aren't valid.

Sources: Reddit
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