'AITA for saying my boyfriend’s roommate can’t come to Thanksgiving dinner?' UPDATED

"AITA for saying my boyfriend’s roommate can’t come to Thanksgiving dinner?"

Me (26F) and my boyfriend (34M) have been dating for nearly a year and a half now. Tomorrow, he’s coming to Thanksgiving dinner at my dad’s house and meeting my family for the first time. '

I’m extremely family oriented and it’s so important to me that he’s finally meeting them. This also means the world to my family because I rarely bring men home and they’ve been wanting to meet him for a long time.

He’s aware of this and how much this meeting means to me and has assured me that he’s looking forward to it too. This afternoon, he asked if his roommate could come too. I was caught off guard and said no.

I didn’t even ask my family who I’m sure would say yes, but it’s a hard boundary for me. I barely know his roommate but he’s military and will not be able to be with his own family for the holiday, which is why my boyfriend asked.

I understand and appreciate his compassion and kindness but I need this event to be just him, me, and my family without his buddy who is a stranger to me. I called him to talk through it, but he’s extremely upset and wasn’t really responding.

I asked if he’s still coming and he said yes. Then, I asked if he’s okay and he said no but that he will be. I told him to reach out to me when he’s ready and that I understand if he doesn’t want to talk to me right now so I haven’t heard from him since the phone call a couple hours ago.

I feel like a massive a**hole but this is one of the rare events where I’ve put my foot down in this relationship and refused to accommodate his wants. So, AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

ProfPlumDidIt wrote:

NAH. You're allowed to set whatever boundaries you want, but don't be surprised if, after thinking it over, he decides it's a dealbreaker.

People in the military together often become family to each other, so from his POV, you basically told him he has to leave a brother alone because your heart isn't big enough to include him.

He'll probably honor his commitment to your family to attend, but I'll be very surprised if the relationship lasts past this weekend.

riskylifie wrote:

The 'holiday' is literally about bringing people together. Even if that's not what really happened. What I see all the time is empty promises come holidays. Like, the guy has nowhere to go. I just don't even know what else to say.

I had an ex girlfriend at Thanksgiving once because her mom was dead and dad lived 200 miles away. But I dealt with her so that she had SOMETHING. Just...have some compassion. It's obviously important to the boyfriend.

The parents would say he could come. It's literally just the girlfriend because 'family is important'. Well, the friend is your boyfriend's family. And she's excluding it.

furtivespork wrote:

The military point is entirely irrelevant here. BF is meeting OP's family for the first time. That's more of a significant event than Thanksgiving, and you don't bring a friend to meet your girlfriend's parents for the first time.

If OP wants, she could pick another day for the BF to meet her family so that Thanksgiving isn't such a high-pressure situation, but it sounds like they've been planning this Thanksgiving for a while.

The boyfriend asked to bring a friend at the last minute, just a day before the event. It shows he doesn't appreciate what a big deal it is for her to bring a guy home to meet her family. NTA.

KaliTheBlaze wrote:

NTA. If your boyfriend was a regular attendee at your family events, this would’ve been a more reasonable ask. But to bring a guest the first time you’re a guest? That’s a lot.

Stormfeathery wrote:

Yeah, maybe this is an introvert/anxiety thing but I can’t even comprehend the people saying she’s an AH for not wanting a near-stranger at a family holiday get-together when there’s already the pressure of it being the first time the family and boyfriend get to meet.

It’s the type of thing that’s really sweet in theory, but unlikely I could do it and cannot judge anyone else poorly for not wanting to have to deal with someone they barely know here.

DoMyOwnNails wrote:

If this was Valentine’s Day or your parents’ anniversary, I’d understand better. Thanksgiving and Christmas are typically about giving and generosity. I think it would’ve been better for everyone if you had let the roommate join.

I personally think it would’ve been good to see the BF interact with people he just met along with someone he is comfortable with. On the other hand, your BF has now seen this side of you and he may not like it. Was it worth the risk of him thinking differently of you? Soft YTA.

After receiving a flurry of very divided comments, OP logged back on with an update and some clarifications:

For more clarity and because people are making a lot of unfounded assumptions, I have briefly met his roommate (ie “hi, bye”) on multiple occasions.

We barely know each other, though, because he has a schedule that makes it so he’s rarely around when I am and we’ve never had the opportunity to have a full conversation surpassing basic greetings.

I made it very clear that I’d love to have him and include him in my family but the first meeting between my parents and boyfriend wasn’t the place to do so.

My boyfriend has not met my family because I’m very particular about who I bring home and will not bring someone home unless I am 100% comfortable that that is the correct choice. I’m protective of my family and don’t want them to get attached.

I get it’s unconventional but it’s my choice and every party involved respects that. I ended up apologizing to my boyfriend, asking my parents, and inviting his roommate (who wasn’t aware my bf had asked about him coming).

He can’t even come anyways. I appreciate the comments, even the ones calling me a heartless monster, but no one is put out in the end.