Raising a kid with a partner requires true teamwork.
But sadly, a lot of relationships don't reflect an equal distribution of the parenting load. Statistically, women in heterosexual relationships do more of the parenting and household work in relationships, even when they're still working outside of the home.
Correcting this imbalance requires honest communication from both partners, and a desire to make things more equitable. Unfortunately, not all partners are receptive to said honesty.
AITA for pausing my husband’s game because he wouldn’t give our baby a bath on time?
I (23F) paused the internet on every single device in the apartment because my husband (23M) refused to get off of the game to give our 8-month son a bath on time. I know this sounds like YTA but let me explain.
There’s a lot of background information that went into this decision. My husband does not help with the household whatsoever. Doesn’t wash dishes, do laundry, clean any room of the house, cook dinner, etc.
He’ll get home and throw off his uniform onto the floor and leave it there until the next day. If the house is dirty, he’ll chide me and tell me that I don’t do anything, I don’t clean enough, I don’t cook dinner enough, etc.
Our biggest issue is the baby. I am the main caretaker for our son 99.9% of the time. I get up with him during the night when he wakes up crying. My husband will here or there, but he’ll scream at me about how he needs his rest and I need to get up.
If our son is sick, I’m the one that takes off work. I’ve missed almost 6 weeks of work in the past 3 months because my husband wouldn’t even ask his supervisor if he could stay home one of those days.
I’m the one that gets up at 6 am and stays up with our son until about 12pm-1PM. That’s when I tell my husband he needs to get up and take care of the baby so I can nap (he sleeps anywhere from 8-14hrs a day while I take a nap between 1-4hrs).
Once I get up, he complains that I’ve been sleeping “all day” while he’s been taking care of the baby by himself and I’m lazy. I recently got promoted to E-5 after being up 3 times in a row and taking a hard exam that I studied for.
My husband, unfortunately, didn’t make it this time around and is still an E-3, and he blames me for it, saying if he didn’t have to transfer after a year at his previous command he would’ve made it.
My husband told me that it’s not a surprise that I made it because my job is easy and all we do is sit at computers all day while he works out in the sun and cold on equipment (I’m in intelligence and he’s got a manual labor job).
Then he’ll say he’s joking and didn’t mean to be rude, but this is a constant thing he does. I paused the game tonight because every night we feed our son and give him a bath at 7pm on the dot. He’s always had this routine.
After I fed the baby, I told my husband that it was time for the bath (after I already laid out all the baby supplies and clothes for after bath) and my husband told me to “just sit the baby down in the playpen until he’s done with the game”.
I gently told him no, that it’s bedtime and I wasn’t going to shift our son’s routine so he could play the game for an extra half hour and my husband needs to learn to prioritize.
I then paused the game and my husband flew off the handle, threatening to break my phone and refused to give our son a bath, and called me lazy for not doing it instead.
My husband literally hops on the game and plays from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. AITA?
People were quick to affirm that there's no planet in which she's TA in this situation. A lot of people urged her to leave the relationship.
A few things here:
First off, NTA. Obviously.
Second: you’re dual military and he’s acting like he’s the only one who’s working. He’s clearly unable to cope with your success, not to mention you’re basically cleaning up after two children.
The fact you made it to E5 with all this madness is amazing, I applaud you. Third, and possibly the biggest point here: this relationship is concerning me a lot. He threatened to BREAK YOUR PHONE?
I’m BH in the military, and this stuff escalates. Consider couples counseling (unsure he’ll be on board) or think about… ways to get out.
I know it’s not what you want to hear with a young baby and being military, I’m assuming your family isn’t nearby, but seriously, find a way to become independent of this man and find your way.
I wish you and your baby the best.
OP, RUN, not walk, to legal. The amount of military spouses/dual military in abusive relationships I’ve encountered could fit a small country.
Speak to your chain of command or chaplain if you don’t feel comfortable with telling your CoC. You need to know your resources and options.
The military is notorious for overworking their enlisted but being as sleep deprived as you are OP while dealing with Intelligence could jeopardize your position and even clearance in ways you haven’t even imagined.
Promotion can be arbitrary but to have gone several cycles and still be an E3 well after the 12-18 month average from E1 to E3 is more than likely on him.
And I really hate to say this but this is for all the civilians, OP being in Intelligence means she scored (much) higher on the ASVAB vs. her husband who probably only qualified for lower rates (jobs).
His recruiter probably didn’t bother to tell him he could study and retake the ASVAB but I don’t think the husband is that motivated. He’d rather be resentful and passive-aggressive of OP.
You’re already a single parent. Divorce and file for child support.
NTA. Your husband is abusive toward you and neglectful of your baby. Even if you were a stay-at-home-parent, you shouldn't need to take care of most of the child care.
However, you both work...yet your husband demands you are always the one to get up when the baby needs something in the middle of the night, you are the one who needs to clean.
You are the one who needs to take off of work, you are the one whose job is unimportant.
You don't need to just pause the game. You need to shut off your marriage.
After receiving unanimous feedback telling her to cut and run from her husband, OP shared a few updates.
Update: my husband just came into the bedroom and told me he wants a divorce because he’s sick of my sh*t. Lol.
I’m just going to give you guys a bit more info because I don’t tell anyone the extent of it for fear of my son being taken from me by his father.
When I got pregnant, my husband (then bf) told me I had to get an abortion or he would not be involved whatsoever. I accepted that and decided to keep him on my own.
My husband then changed his mind and said he wanted to be a family and be involved, and that’s why we got married (so we could be stationed together).
During my pregnancy, my husband constantly ignored me, ignored all my calls and texts. Constantly threatened divorce. It got so bad I was on the verge of getting an abortion at 5 months pregnant bc the stress was too much.
He threatened to sue me if I did. After I had the baby, my husband went back to his duty station. I was developed with PPD, PPA, and PPPTSD. My husband told me that I was annoying and needy, and that I didn’t know what anxiety was.
He again ignored my calls and texts while I was home alone with our son for 3 months.
He carried on an emotional affair with a female friend of his and chose her over his son and me when I asked for a divorce the first time because I couldn’t put up with the disrespect, lies, and sneaking around they were doing.
She finally dropped out of his life after I confronted her and messaged her husband informing him of their “friendship”. My husband has commented negatively on my weight, intelligence, dream career, my worth as a wife, woman, and mother.
I haven’t left yet because I was so broken down I was convinced I had nowhere to go and couldn’t do it without him, and that nobody would want me the way I am after having a baby (his words).
After getting promoted last week, and having a job lined up after getting out, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am finally ready to get out and let go. Ready to be free.
Fingers crossed that OP is able to get as far away from that man as possible, so her and her son can have a better life.