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Woman asks if she’s wrong for telling husband to do more chores since he works less.

Woman asks if she’s wrong for telling husband to do more chores since he works less.


Deciding how to find a balance between your career and preventing your house from sinking underneath a pile of dishes and dust can be a challenge.

Regardless of gender, though, holding your income over your partner's head and demanding they contribute more to the housework because you make more money or are the 'breadwinner,' can also be a toxic pattern.

So, when a burnt out and angry woman decided to consult the moral compass of the internet otherwise known as Reddit's 'Am I the As*hole' about whether or not she was wrong to snap at her husband for expecting her to do the majority of the housework and cooking, people were quick to help deem a verdict.

AITA (Am I the As*hole) for greatly increasing my husband's chores and dismissing his complaints after he called me a homemaker?

Context: I work in my own start-up, husband John works in a movie theater. Before I started my company, we both had similar income, but now I earn ~5 times as much as him. The chore dynamic at home was always heavily skewed; I'm very neat and like cooking, so I handled the lion's share of chores on top of my job.

After the company started growing, John invested himself more in chores because he was staying at home due to movie theaters being closed. His workplace reopened a few months ago and he immediately stopped doing most chores.

I have been lenient and doing more than my share, since he comes home every day exhausted and complaining. After work, he does nothing but leisure, totally overlooking the fact that I manage our household ON TOP OF running my company. I'm kind of a doormat sometimes, so I let it go because I wanted to be kind to John.

Last weekend, he crossed a line. I work 7 days a week, John has weekends off, and he was playing video games all day while I was working - and he came to ask me when lunch would be ready. I told him that I am very busy with work and can he cook, for once? He declined, then complained that it was so much easier in his grandfather's time, when the 'homemaker' didn't do anything other than 'her duties.'

I exploded. We had the biggest screaming match in our lives, with him calling himself the breadwinner of the household, repeatedly hiding behind the claim that he 'goes out' to work (as opposed to me working from home, which means I'm a housewife uh?).

I steamrolled his claims by pointing out that I earn much more money than him, I work longer hours and still do all the chores. I told him to quit his job and dedicate all of his time to chores, since he is so enamored with the simpler times of homemakers and breadwinners - even if he became unemployed, our financial situation wouldn't change. He acted appalled.

Monday, I gave him a list of chores to do, about 2-3 hours of chores daily. He constantly complains, and I just reply with 'Quit your job.' I spent years doing ALL the chores on top of my job, but he whines at the prospect of doing just half. Tuesday night, he told me he refused to do the chores and I couldn't force him.

I shouted him down into submission, telling him that I spent our entire common life picking up the ball that he keeps dropping, and that his choice to work an unskilled job for pocket change does not preclude him from helping me, the breadwinner, keep this household in shape. Yesterday, I locked up his PS5 in our safe and changed the combination.

This is not in my nature - I am usually polite and soft spoken, and I feel like an a*shole when he see him looking like a sad puppy and whining that he is tired. But I just... snapped. I feel like I don't have a choice: If I let John do nothing and consider himself the breadwinner who deserves to come home to a clean house and warm meal through no effort of his own, I would lock myself into a life of servitude.

Am I an As*hole?

Here's what the jury of internet strangers had to say:

NTA. In fact, don't you dare take even the tiniest step back. Hold your ground as if your life depended on it. - Shiny_Littlefoot

NTA. Sounds like you've been picking up his slack for a while. How dare he make claims about you being a homemaker, when you're apparently bringing in the majority of the money? Working from home is work. I doubt working at the movie theater is very lucrative. Stop picking up his slack. He is being disrespectful of you, your job, and everything you do for your home. - lihzee

NTA, you and this guy are not on the same wavelength. You may have been a good match at the time, but now you are obviously at different life stages. He is essentially a teenager. - sbthrowra

NTA. To a very slight ESH (Everyone Sucks Here). First, I would like to commend you. You are amazing for all that you do and you should be so proud of yourself. Second, your reaction is the only reason why I put slight ESH.

While I completely empathize with why you snapped and your emotions and feelings over this absolute trash-man, it turned petty real quick (my favorite thing about all of this is the “Quit your job” statement. I love you for this pettiness, stranger). More like you both threw a temper tantrum.

It seems like you’ve been letting this build quite a bit. His statement was entirely sexist, uncalled for, and absolutely demeaning. I also work from home but I do not clean all day, my husband gets home from his job that he has to go to everyday and comes home tired AF but still walks the dogs with me and cleans litter boxes, etc.

It’s not about who’s home or disgusting gender roles. If you live in the house, you are required to take part in managing the daily responsibilities that come with it.

Sit him down - after you’ve calmed down - and present your case (it usually helps me to write it down beforehand so I don’t get flustered and miss something), explain all of your frustrations and the impact to your own mental health as well as the relationship.

Tell him all of your feelings and ask that he share his feelings as well; do not react if he blows up or acts childish, continue to express yourself and ask that he does the same in an adult way.

If this doesn’t work, or no changes are made, I suggest couples counseling or even just straight up ending it. It sounds like you’re expected to play the role of his mother, and that’s not what you signed up for nor what you deserve. - messywhitegirl

NTA - but you've gone kind of nuclear here. You guys should have gotten into counseling months ago when all this resentment began to mount. Your husband is def an as*hole and sucks, but 'screaming him into submission' and locking his sh*t up in your safe and changing the code doesn't sound like a healthy marriage. - kacastro

So, there you have it!

Everyone agreed that this woman isn't wrong to be angry and disappointed in her husband, but she perhaps shouldn't have let all of this resentment build up. Clearly, there's a massive communication issue here over finances, gender roles and the division of household labor. Good luck, everyone!

Sources: Reddit
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