The traumatic losses of miscarriages are greatly undermined culturally, especially given how many women have experienced them. Conversations around grief often center death and breakups, and erase the complicated space miscarriages take up - a death of someone you were eagerly waiting to meet.
Since miscarriages are so common, and affect up to 50% of pregnancies (although many occur before the woman is aware of the pregnancy), a lot of couples don't announce their pregnancies until the first trimester is finished, to lower the chances of publicly grieving a miscarriage.
There are obvious upsides to keeping a pregnancy secret at first: you have time to process the news, you have time to prepare answers to the slew of questions that follow, and you can avoid being put in a position to share bad news if the pregnancy goes south.
The downside, however, is that when you lose a pregnancy before it's been announced you end up carrying a minefield of grief around that other people are unaware of.
AITA for kicking my pregnant sister-in-law out?
OP shared that she found out about a miscarriage right before hosting her brother and sister-in-law for a visit.
My brother (29M) and sister-in-law (SIL) (29F) asked Wednesday if they could come for a visit at that weekend. (They 6h away). We said sure, love to see you. Friday afternoon, I (34F) had an ultrasound for my 8 week pregnancy.
The ultrasound showed a likely miscarriage. My husband (35M) & I were upset, but as my bro & SIL were already driving, we didn't cancel the visit. We hadn't told them about the pregnancy, nor had we told our 3 kids.
When OP's brother and wife arrived, they announced their pregnancy.
When bro & SIL arrive they were excited to tell us SIL is pregnant, and due 2 weeks before I would have been due. I tried to sound excited and happy for them but I wasn't as excited as I normally would have been. Then it turned into a nightmare.
Since OP and her husband hadn't told anyone about the lost pregnancy, they decided to keep it under wraps and feigned happiness for their brother and his wife as best as possible.
She didn't like supper; so we ordered in food for her. She needed the bed moved from 1 wall to another. Fine. She insisted on 5 pillows to sleep. I found a couple & she was upset I couldn't give her more & asked if she could go into the kids rooms and take theirs. I said no.
Despite OP's kindness and hospitality, her sister-in-law's behavior quickly escalated into ugly entitlement.
Next morning, she freaked out at 7 am that the kids were eating cereal too loud. She spent the morning curled up on the couch complaining about morning sickness. I sympathized and said it's awful, but it will go away. She screamed 'No, you've never experienced this- they gave me the same anti-nausea drugs they give chemo patients so shut up!' I got quiet.
My husband was making brunch and she freaked out that he was going to cook bacon because 'the smell makes me vomit.' We didn't make bacon. She also didn't want us to make eggs or let the kids have syrup on their pancakes. I refused, so she stormed off into her room until mid- afternoon.
During the visit, OP's sister-in-law incessantly complained about the struggles of pregnancy and constantly claimed OP 'didn't get it' (despite the fact that OP already has kids).
Mid-afternoon she decides to go shopping and said they'd be back for dinner. We said dinner would be at 5:30. At 5:45 they hadn't show up, and weren't replying to texts, so we ate. They showed up at 6 and she freaked out that we hadn't waited so we ordered pizza. She spent the next two hours complaining about how brutal pregnancy is and how it sucks so much and how she's never going through it again.
Finally, after days of weathering intense complaints and being mistreated, OP snapped on her sister-in-law and revealed she was grieving a miscarriage.
I lost it & told her that I was in the middle of a miscarriage and I'd love to have her problems because it means my baby would be ok. Everything got quiet and she looked at me and said 'I can't believe you'd use the 'M' (miscarriage) word around me. That's bad luck, and if I lose the baby it's your fault!' and went to her room and slammed the door.
About 15 min later she said 'I'm glad you lost your baby. You already have 3, and if you had one right now, you'd just be trying to upstage me. I'm glad your baby is dead.'
Rather than responding with empathy, her sister-in-law claimed using the 'M' word was bad luck, centered herself in OP's miscarriage, and even claimed she was glad OP lost her child.
I burst into tears, and my husband told her to get out. He said 'I've watched you complain, whine and b*tch all weekend. We stayed quiet about what was going on with us because we though you deserved a chance to enjoy sharing your news. But this is enough. Get out now.'
At this point OP's husband lost it, and kicked both the brother and sister-in-law out of their home.
She started screaming about how we are TA while my brother packed their stuff and they left. So, are my husband and I TA?
NTA - How could you possibly be?
She keeps texting my husband (i blocked her because I can't deal with this right now) saying we re sh***y people for kicking a pregnant woman out and demanding we pay for the hotel. I don't see how we are wrong, but I'm a little messed up emotionally right now and needed reassurance im not just crazy with hormones and emotions.
NTA. Your SIL was so cruel and terrible. Where was your brother in this? I’m sorry for your loss.
My brother is in a mess. They got married 4 years ago and my family warned him from the start that she wasn't a good choice but he didnt see it.
He started to see it about 6 months ago and had said something to my dad about divorce, and now she's pregnant. I don't know why, or if this was an attempt to fix the marriage but its a mess.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss.
The only vaguely reasonable demand your SIL made was about bacon smells. Even that's pretty unreasonable; people still need to eat. Everything else is ludicrous. Honestly I would refuse to see her again. 'I'm glad your baby is dead' isn't really something that's fixed by an apology.
YTA for writing an obviously clickbait title that makes people think YTA to them tell a story where you’re obviously NTA.
NTA. At first as I was reading I was thinking 'Well, tell her about your miscarriage' but then I got to the part where you actually did and YIKES.
Yikes yikes yikes.
NTA. Is this unusual behavior for your SIL? I can't imagine being so entitled when visiting a relative. Her behavior was unreasonable all weekend, while you and your SO attempted to accommodate her.
There is no excuse for the way she spoke to you, and you are in no way an a*shole for enforcing boundaries (i.e. someone who is being incredibly disrespectful and doesn't live here has to leave). I am so sorry for your suffering with the loss of your pregnancy and baby.
She's never been my fav, but my brother picked her and he and I have always been close, so we put up with her.
She's never been this bad before, but complaining about my kids is pretty normal. She always tells my sister that when she has kids, hers will never be allowed to get up that early or be that loud.
I've shrugged it off to keep the relationship with my brother, and I figured karma would give her an early riser.
It's abundantly clear there is no universe in which OP is TA in this situation, hopefully her brother sees the light and breaks things off with his wife before they are stuck raising a miserable kid together.