It's one thing to deal with nasty comments from a sibling. But it's another ballgame entirely when your partner's sibling decides to turn on you. Sibling in-law relationships are a strange mix of familial and courteous, so drawing hard lines can feel extra complicated.
AITA (24f) for leaving my fiancés (26m) thanksgiving because of his sister?
My sister-in-law is horrible to me since Feb of this year. We were friends. One day she was on the phone w her husband and they were fighting. He was with us.
He had her on speaker. She started saying mean things about me and my fiancé and our parenting for no reason, such random things? Said we let our son “live” with someone else (my other sister-in-law) because he went over there to play two days in a row.
Anyway, I tried talking to her about her comments and asked if I did something to make her angry at me. She said I am sensitive and need to get over myself. She made comments about our loss of a pregnancy/struggle to conceive.
She said we needed to “stop worrying about babies and focus on being parents.” I am unsure why she was saying these things.
She continued to be awful behind my back to my fiancé and he would state that we are not hanging around her anymore bc of her behavior. I’m pregnant and she is mad because she was not allowed at the gender reveal.
She tried to “apologize” to me a few weeks before the reveal so she could come but apologized by saying “I’m sorry you were offended. I am sorry that you misconstrued what I said/took it out of context.”
She also asked that we meet in person. I told her these were not apologies. I reminded her of what she said, why it was so hurtful. She didn’t respond. I said she is not invited.
At other family events she has been gossiping about me and I didn’t want this at my parents' home on an exciting day for me. After all, she said I shouldn’t be having any more kids.
This twas first thanksgiving without my fiancé's grandparents. They both passed this year.
Five minutes of being there, as I am talking to other family members, she walks by and says hello to my son, looks up at me as I am mid-sentence, says “Ew” and walks away.
SIL is in her 30s and is being so juvenile. I told my fiancé what happened. He said to ignore it. I said no, I wanted him to stay here with his family of course but I was going to leave.
I don’t want to be stressed while pregnant and I am uncomfortable. So I went outside. Him and MIL come out there saying not to ruin thanksgiving by leaving, that I shouldn’t let it bother me and blah blah blah.
I say I am uncomfortable with how she’s treating me and I want to remove myself from the situation. MIL says “well I was very upset about her being excluded from the gender reveal and so was she.”
I state that’s her own doing, this exact behavior is why she was. They said we should just be able to be cordial at events and I agreed and reminded them that I was doing absolutely nothing today when she started problems.
I had my aunt come get me. His response is making me rethink being a part of this family. It seems they cater to her behavior, say it’s just how she is.
My MIL told me we just need to talk, asked what it’ll take for me to allow SIL back into my life (my unborn child’s life).
In short, I told her SIL does not see the fault in her actions and only “apologized” because she wanted to be at the reveal, there’s no true remorse. To me, nothing she can do and I left. AITA for leaving?
People were quick to give OP reassurance around her boundaries.
OH MY FRICKING GOSH YOU ARE NTA.
Your SIL is SUCH TAH and needs to own up to it.
'She made comments about my miscarriage/struggle to conceive.'
ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE.
You couldn't have said it any better...'juvenile'
As long as she continues to act like this, you have EVERY right to do anything you want to maintain your distance from this woman.
Your fiance should have your back. Especially with family. I think if you marry him, there will be many more situations like this as long as the sister-in-law is around.
I highly suggest that you talk to your fiance about how his response in that situation made you feel. That conversation should leave you with a better feeling about how to proceed with becoming a part of this family.
NTA - Actually the most mature thing was to remove yourself from the situation like you did. It sounds like her family is enabling her.
NTA. The next time anyone says 'this is just the way she is' respond with 'this is just the way you allow her to treat people.'
NTA. IF you're inclined to try and work through things with hubs (your MIL is likely a lost cause) I'd start researching marriage counselors in your area.
Make it painfully clear to your husband that his backtracking regarding his sister's behavior is NOT ok and that if doesn't want to be an alternate weekend sort of dad the two of you are going to therapy and getting on the same damn page.
Which from the sounds of it needs to be NC with his sister. I'm trying hard not to assume SIL has some fertility issues going on (her or her hubs) and is doing some heavy-duty displacement and projection but she's giving 'it should be me' vibes.
NTA. Do not allow this woman into your child’s life. I was the kid who grew up listening to family members say absolutely horrible things about my mom. To me, she hung the moon. To them, she was their target.
It was extremely stressful to listen to, and to be disciplined forever standing up for her. This will impact your children. It will cause an extreme amount of stress and eventually, hatred for those family members.
I cut them off as an adult, and they will never lay eyes on my child. She won’t wonder how they could say such terrible things about her grandmother. The cycle ended with me, don’t let this one start with you.
You and your kids don’t deserve it. Stand your ground on this one. Your husband either puts his sister in her place, or he goes alone (or not at all, if he’s a decent husband). I hope the rest of your holidays are lovely!
UPDATE: Both my fiancé and MIL kept repeating I need to talk to SIL in person and at this point, I don’t want to.
Her behavior and lack of remorse is narcissistic and my fiancé's other sister has stayed it’s senseless trying to talk to her because of how she is.
Friends have told me this and her family has too. I don’t have a desire to talk in person to her anymore. We are past that my MIL is usually the sweetest person I know and tries desperately to make everyone happy.
She apologized for her daughter's behavior but reiterated that she can’t control her. Nobody wants drama with the SIL so they just let her do what she wants.
I told my MIL that’s fine and that’s why I’m removing myself from a situation where I was made uncomfortable.
Confronting her daughter would’ve caused a scene and I’m sure that’s why she didn’t do it but at the same time, I should’ve been allowed to leave without the guilt-tripping.
My MIL was on the verge of tears as she really seemed to want me there and said repeatedly that I am her daughter too. It’s her first Thanksgiving without her parents.
Additionally, she’s been a victim to her daughters bullying longer than any of us. She is not confrontational and I don’t see her standing up to SIL. I’ve seen and heard of SIL making her cry in the past. SIL is a cruel person.
Hopefully, OP and her fiance are able to work out a clear no contact boundary with his sister, while maintaining a relationship with his mother.