Woman takes pics and replicates husband's kitchen mess to prove point, he gets mad.

Dividing housework is one of the most difficult parts of a long-term partnership. Everyone has a different level of cleanliness they naturally fall into (or aspire to), and everyone has different styles of carrying out daily tasks.

While it may not be sexy, consistent and honest communication around these daily tasks is crucial for a marriage to work.

This kind of communication was at the center of a popular AITA post, where a woman asked if she was wrong for documenting and replicating the mess her husband makes while cooking.

She wrote:

AITA for leaving the kitchen in the same state as my husband?

I’m going to try to keep this short. My husband (32M) and I (27F) have a deal that I’m sure lots of couples have: whoever cooks, the other cleans. Generally, this works pretty good but my husband is notorious for leaving the biggest mess.

I’m talking every single bottle, wrapper, food scrap, left on the counter. Every dish, left where he used it. Every spice left out. Sometimes it takes longer to clean than it takes to make and eat the food just because of how messy he is.

I, on the other hand, am a “clean as you cook” type of person. I use something, I put it away right away. I throw scraps in the garbage when I’m done chopping.

I fully prep before starting to cook so that by the time I’m finished and dinner is served, all that’s left are the dishes (which is normally piled beside the sink) and wipe the countertop. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect my husband to do the same.

But I’ve had the conversation with him plenty of times where I ask him to at least throw out food scraps and put away bottles/spices he uses, so that all that’s left is dishes and wiping the counters/floors. He agreed but eventually falls back into his old ways.

So…I’ve started doing the same to him. Each time it’s my turn to cook, I leave the kitchen in a similar state to how he leaves it: scraps out, every spice and bottle out, dishes left untouched.

And he’s made a comment every single time about how much of a mess I’ve left him, and how it isn’t fair because he’s going to spend ages cleaning.

I’ve used these opportunities to explain that this is what he does to me every time, but he denies it being “that bad.”

Today, he did the same thing. Except I took photos of the state of the kitchen the last time he cooked. When I showed him this in response to him complaining about the mess, he got defensive.

Said that it’s not fair because “that’s just how he cooks” and that he “doesn’t like to waste time cleaning when he’s hungry”. I said it’s incredibly unfair that he expects it of me, but won’t do the same.

But now he’s been making comments about how he doesn’t feel appreciated because of the meals he makes. I’ll admit, he does make some great homemade from-scratch meals. But I do too.

And I’d say our cooking skills are about equal, although he might be a little better in some areas. But his comments are making me wonder if I’m nit picking or if I am really am being unfair to him.

I get that everybody is different, but it just sucks when I have to clean a gigantic mess and he reaps the benefits of my cleaning. I do feel like I’m a bit of an AH even for saying that.

So Reddit, AITA?

bba9015 wrote:

NTA - But an easy solution is just do both cooking and cleaning on your night. That way you get a whole night off every second night, and you’re only cleaning up your mess (which is less anyways since you clean as you go).

That’s what we do. Works great!

No-Albatross-7984 wrote:

Weaponized incompetence. You're going to have to put your foot down and he's going to have to put on his big boy pants and stop whining about doing his share. NTA.

Delvianna00 wrote:

NTA.

He just doesn't like the proof and refuses to admit it's a problem because he wants to go back to the way it was, which is...minimal effort when you cook and he gets to make the kitchen look like a tornado when he does.

The scales are tipped in his favor. Of course he's going to want it his way. He's being manipulative to get his way by making you feel guilty. Does he not appreciate when you cook? Regardless of the mess you've left? This street works both ways.

FreshwaterOctopus wrote:

Definitely NTA, but he's being a manipulative one.

Difficult-Ad-4532 wrote:

NTA. But if I were you, I’d switch to a “you cook, you clean” system.

Remarkable_Winner_91 wrote:

NTA. I married a tornado, that loves to cook and bake. I'm like you, when I cook it takes him 5 min to clean the kitchen. When he goes into a spotless kitchen, it looks like it's been ransacked by starving rodents.

How in the hell can someone get flour and tomato sauce in the silverware drawer, when it was closed? It's been 17 yrs, and our kitchen war still rages. It wasn't my hill to die on.

He is an awesome cook, and does so many other wonderful things I just sigh when I do the dishes. He is an AH when it comes to the mess in the kitchen, but I am an AH in other ways, so I just deal.

There have been times I've left the kitchen for him to wake up to and he gets really sad and embarrassed. I've tried every idea including not eating at home, nothing works. He is a little better.

He will throw his trash out at least, but I have no answer on how to 'fix' him. I just remember why I love him, and focus on that.

OldWierdo wrote:

NTA. Tell him you really DO appreciate his meals, and they're SO GOOD, better than yours even, and you figure they're better because he doesn't waste time cleaning as he goes. So you're going to try his way for a bit.

Clearly you can't reach his level of cooking if you clean up while you're doing it. ? Good luck.

OP jumped back on the thread to share an update in response to some of the suggested problem-solving.

UPDATE: since a lot of people are saying it, yes I have offered to change the system to “whoever cooks, cleans too” but he refuses.

He doesn’t like the idea of somebody spending their entire downtime after work cooking and cleaning while the other person relaxes. I would be willing to switch but he’s adamant that he doesn’t like that system.

At this point, they might be at a checkmate.