Co-parenting after a break up can be a tall order even if you're amicable, but it's extra difficult when you have completely different visions for your child.
Because of this, some dads feel they're given the short end of the stick when it comes to the birthing process, and what follows. While on the other hand, a lot of women feel abandoned with the lion's share of responsibility.
The question of whether a mom should respect the wishes of her baby's dad after a break-up points to different answers in each situation. In some cases, the help of the internet is needed to find these answers.
AITA for not wanting my ex/baby daddy in the delivery room and not giving my son his last name?
So, I've never really asked strangers for advice but with my family and his biased emotions I need a fresh perspective. Backstory: My ex (19M) and I (19F) were together for about 10 months I believe (pregnancy brain has me screwed).
After awhile started to realize that I hadn't gotten my period since April, so I course I did what any person with a uterus would do and got a test. Well, it was positive. Fast forward through the freaking out of my parents are gonna kill me and all that, I make an appointment with my doctor to take a blood test.
I wait my time and find out I am indeed pregnant, about 4-6 weeks pregnant. I am now 25 weeks pregnant, I'm not entirely sure when we broke up in the course of the pregnancy but it was a bit ago.
Now, we had things pretty under control he was letting me make the decisions and pick names all that but when we were together I had planned for him and my mother to be in the delivery room, with COVID precautions I am only allowed 2 people to have in the room, and he was going to name the baby if they were a boy.
We now know that the little bean is a boy but since my ex decided to leave me I said screw that and I chose a name and switched my ex out for my dad even letting the hospital know that he was no longer going to be present and I did not want him in my room no matter what.
I believe that in a situation like this my comfort in labor comes first. Well, when I first told him this he was not exactly happy about it but he wasn't going to fight me but of course he went to speak with his mother and suddenly! He HAS to have the last name and he HAS to be in the room. I understand that, yes this is his child also but he is the one who left.
He still tries to hit me up for sex and is now going on about how he is joining the military and our son needs to have his name so if he dies or if I take our son away from him our son will have a piece of his dad and he needs to be in the room because and I quote 'He's my f*cking kid too, you don't have the right to take this away from me' which was yelled in a very rude way at me in my driveway at 6pm when he randomly showed up.
OP's ex hasn't responded well to those decisions and claims its unfair since the baby will also be his, and while OP wants to maintain this boundary, she is now unsure if she's taken it too far.
I get that he wants to be a dad but before anyone makes their final decisions I would also like to point out that he was all for an abortion before but when I said it didn't feel right he was furious that I told my mom that he had originally wanted an abortion. I'm starting to slowly feel like an a*shole for the way I'm acting but at the same time he didn't want to stick around and also didn't even originally want our son. So, AITA?
NTA - The taking of your partner's name thing is just anachronism. It's not a rule. If he's not willing to be a proper dad, I don't see why you wouldn't give the child your last name. And the labor room is 110% about your comfort. Of course he shouldn't be allowed if you don't want it.
NTA When a woman is in labor she deserves to choose who will be in the room with her during a very stressful and vulnerable time. If your ex is not someone you trust to be supportive and helpful then you definitely should not have him in the room for the delivery.
NTA about the birth. That’s a medical procedure being present for the birth is a PRIVILEGE for anyone who isn’t the mom, not even the dad. The name is trickier, but that’s really in my mind a custody matter. If he’s on the military and you’re going to be the primary care provider it’s makes sense that the child would have your last name it’s just easier.
I would say NTA; You're the one giving birth, and you're the one who needs to feel supported and comfortable when you do so. Having him there seems like it will be uncomfortable for you, that is reason enough to not allow him in the delivery room.
Now, as for every other issue. I don't know what his rights are to have his last name put on the birth certificate. I believe that if you have the baby while not married, the baby will have your last night. Now, I'm sure you can make that change, but that is up to you.
We only have your word to go on, with that in mind I say this: Throughout all of this, the only thing he cares about, it seems, is himself. His last name, His legacy, and His rights, also HIS sexual needs. I won't say he's an a*shole, because I don't know him, I'm sure there is more to him than what you've shared, but what you have shared is enough for me to say that in this issue, the only thing he cares about is himself.
Lean on your family, confide in them, tell them how you feel. I hope their wisdom helps ease your mind; and congratulations, mom.
In delivery it's all about you. How you are most comfortable. You are not comfortable with you ex being there? Then he won't be there. Pure and simple. About name. If he isn't going to be around much, would be strange to kid have different name than yours. So compromise would be him giving first name or if his last name could be used as middle name.
The kid has something of him. Half of him is his DNA. He wants his name but pretty much wants to disappear from his life after given name. You could tell his mom that he wanted abortion and got mad when you did not.
It seems clear that OP has a lot of support when it comes to giving birth sans her ex, but drawing a line with the naming situation may prove more difficult.