Man asks if he's wrong for not being a dad to daughter he 'never wanted.' AITA?
Being a parent is a huge commitment. And some people are afraid to admit that they don't actually want to be parents. There's some shame in it, for some reason. But should there be? When this estranged father is forced to reconnect with his ex and child after years of no involvement (which his ex agreed to), he takes to the popular Reddit forum to ask:
"AITA for not wanting to be a dad?"
I(M29) had a child when I was 19. I wasn't ready to be a dad and I asked her to get an abortion. She refused and we decided she could keep the baby and I'll pay child support but I wouldn't be involved in her life.
I didn't tell my family about it. Three months ago when I was at work I received a lot of angry messages from my parents asking me if I have a child. apparently my ex had told them everything because she is sick and wants me to look after the kid since her own family refused to do this. -crazycake81
Oh wow. This guy didn't even tell his family about it?? That's a bit of an AH move. But he IS paying child support, so is he really in the wrong? There's more...
They were mad at me, telling me It was very selfish to hide their grandchild from them. (I'm an only child and she is their only grandchild) they agreed to look after her and brought her into our home (yes I live with my parents to help them with the expenses.) I told them that I can't stop them from doing this but I still don't want to be her dad and they agreed.
Now this woman is living with them? That's a huge transition. But is he really that selfish?
She has been living with us for the past 3 months but everyone forgot about our agreement. Two days ago my parents left her with me to go somewhere. I told them I don't want to babysit but no one listened to me. As soon as they left she started coming into my bedroom with different excuses.
I finally got annoyed and told her to go to her room and not to come out until her grandparents come home. My parents came back and freaked out when they found out. They called me an AH for being a 'horrible dad' but I never wanted to be a dad and I made it clear several times. Aita?
Oh my. I'm thinking....yeah??? YOU ARE. But Reddit was pretty split on this. Let's take a look.
YTA - the child is a 10 year old, her mother is apparently so unwell that she has to reach out to literal strangers to ensure her child gets care, and you can't even be civil for one afternoon. AND even if your parents shouldn't have to leave her alone with you, but have you considered how the kid feels? -fugalen
Yta. From a person to person- have you no civility?? Must you be a miserable entity to a 10 year old child? What happened to you to be so unkind? -fewafternoon6276
Seriously, OP, I get you didn’t want to have a kid but you still partook in the decisions that led you to this. Yeah, your parents are slightly TA for going back on their agreement, but you’re taking this out on this poor child who’s mother is…sick? Dying?
(If she’s dying from cancer or something this is even worse) so now this girl is without her mother and stuck with a father who’s acting like an inconvenienced bratty teenager. -dauntlessone
Exactly. Countless children were never planned, but you got the woman pregnant anyway. It no longer matters if you want to be a dad, you're a f***** dad. Sure, you have the choice to abandon your daughter and be a deadbeat if you want, but then you have to live with the fact you're a f***** deadbeat, child support or not.
Money may help keep her alive, but she's a human being and you're not there for her. You're an emotional deadbeat, and honestly that's worse imo. -abigailnormal
But then, this Reddit user claps back with a great point.
Your entire argument is to 'shut up and be a dad'? NO. Is OP an AH for not being civil to a 10 year-old for like a few hours? Absolutely. BUT, he is not an AH for not being a father. He already told the mother of the child and his father that he doesn't want a child.
He made that clear from the moment she got pregnant. He made that clear when his parents decided to look after the kid - these are choices made by other people - other people who were informed of the circumstances. -thatslothduke
And then, another fascinating point.
He does say he lives there to help them with expenses, but we can’t know for sure if that’s entirely honest or not. If it is though, him moving out could create instability in their ability to support the 10YO if they’re relying on OP’s income to begin with, let alone with another person exacerbating utilities and grocery bills, etc., but that’s only if OP’s been truthful to begin with. -dangerousconsequence
And then, another person defending OP.
He doesnt need to be there for her. The mother made the choice knowing she was going to be a single mother. Just because you dont like it doesnt mean the guy is being a POS. He told her he wants no part, she did it anyway, and he payed child support.
OPs baby mama is a massive AH, OPs parents are AHs, and OPs is slightly an AH for responding to a child like that. OP did nothing wrong in regards to raising her. He doesnt owe her emotional support. -westernknee