"IT'S OKAY. HE SAID HE'S SORRY."
It’s not entirely clear why the author of this police report decided to use all caps to write out what a man sucking a dildo in the front seat of his Ford Fusion said. Sure, it’s possible the 67-year-old yelled, “SUCKING ON A DILDO, I’M SORRY” at the officer, but that seems kind of difficult with a mouth full of rubber. It's more likely the Michigan cop just wanted to make sure his friends at the station noticed what a terrifically absurd call he'd responded to. "And then the guy who was sucking on a dildo was just like, "I'M SUCKING ON A DILDO. SORRY.' Man. What a day."