The best thing that can be said about the President's State of the Union Address is that it only happens once a year. That said, it's a little more exciting to watch if you know what you're looking for. Here are 10 things to watch for during tonight's State of the Union:

1) With all the serious issues facing our nation, Obama will want to set a lighthearted tone by kicking things off with a joke. Possible options include: 1) suggesting our nation has Seasonal Affective Disorder; 2) offering to let Hilary Clinton take over right now if she wants; and 3) speculating on what the Polar Vortex would be like in bed.

2) Will begin by formally apologizing to Mrs. Werth's 9th grade social studies class, who have to watch all of tonight's speech and take notes to prove it.

3) Since the entire 2014 speech is brought to you by the Beef Council, Obama will then be required to eat a hamburger in front of Congress while making audible "mmm" noises. He will also need to use the word "beef" a half-dozen times in his speech, so expect phrases like "beef up security" and "What's North Korea's beef with us, anyway?"

4) The ghost of Nelson Mandela will show up and snap a selfie.

5) On the subject of the economy, Obama will suggest the 6.7% of Americans who are still unemployed call their Aunt Susan because she has some great contacts and would be happy to help.

6) To prove that the website's problems are a thing of the past, Obama will hold a stopwatch while a real live citizen attempts to register for Obamacare via

7) Immigration reform is sure to be one of the top issues Obama will make zero progress on in 2014!

8) Obama will remind Americans watching at home that he is the lesser-est evil they're going to get.

9) Just before ending his speech, Obama will release a pair of doves symbolizing peace into the building. The doves will be summarily shot by House Majority Leader Eric Cantor.

10) The speech will end with a staged invasion by the "extraterrestrials controlling the NSA." As Obama is hauled offstage by two men in green suits, he'll be sure to yell something to the effect of how little control he has over the day-to-day activities of the National Security Agency.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)