Wake up, sheeple! Ed Chiarni, the "truthteller" behind the conspiracy-unveiling site Wellaware1, uncovered "facts" about Ted Cruz and his wife that will finally explain his appeal to many voters. According to Chiarni, Ted Cruz's wife, Heidi, is a actually character played by former SNL star Ana Gasteyer, who was hired by Lorne Michaels to assume this role.
According to Wellaware1, Cruz himself is also a character—played by the ostensibly deceased Robert Kardashian. That's right, these gentlemen with prominent cheeks and noses are indeed one man. Kardashian did not die of cancer in 2003, according to Chiarni, but rather faked his own death to take on this new life as a Texas politician.
Gasteyer sarcastically confirmed to Gawker that she is indeed entangled in this scheme, but rather than being the ghost of Kardashian, Ted Cruz is a real man:
On the record, I need to state that it is in fact me. But contrary to your article’s assertion, I am unfortunately faux-married to the real Ted Cruz, not Kardashian as you state. I really wish it was a conspiracy, but it is a terrible reality for me and it has been very difficult, as I am angry all the time with my fake, smug husband, and I have to just smile and clap and sometimes touch him. It’s been super gross. Honestly, I’m incredibly relieved that the Truth is finally out so I can go home and take a long shower.
Chiarni holds a lot of theories—sorry, true facts that have yet to be understood by the general public—that the character actors on SNL are indeed playing characters in real life. Most startling is that Tina Fey, among the world's most famous bespectacled brunettes, is also Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords:
And Kristen Wiig and her ex-husband have apparently been collaborating past the divorce:
As many have suspected, Lorne Michaels' sphere of influence goes beyond comedy and television: this Jewish Canadian immigrant controls the world.
The Cruzdashian campaign has yet to comment.