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"I'll level with you: I need this PS4 so Malia stops playing on the drone machine."
(via Getty Images)

We already knew America was in decline, but did you know that our leader's credit cards are, as well? Barack Obama signed an executive order today protecting citizens from identity theft, and while announcing it at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (the special agency to protect people from extortionist credit card and bank practices), he regaled the audience with the story of how the most powerful man in the world was shut down by an even more powerful force: a snobby New York City restaurant. Most likely Estela, where the Obamas were spotted getting "fluke carpaccio, endive and walnut salad, cod croquettes, and some burrata." MMMmmmmm?

Sources: Washington Post | Grubstreet | The Daily Intelligencer