How not to die if you’re playing a #DemDebate drinking game tonight.

How not to die if you’re playing a #DemDebate drinking game tonight.

With only a fraction of the GOP's candidates and a complete lack of Donald Trump, many innocent political junkies assume it will be easy to play a political drinking game during tonight's #DemDebate. This kind of false confidence leads to news nerds waking up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of who Martin O'Malley is (assuming they had that memory to begin with). Here are some simple steps you can take to play it safe while booze and Lincoln Chafee compete to see who can put you to sleep first:

How not to die if you’re playing a #DemDebate drinking game tonight.
Martin O'Malley seen here where he's always been: firmly behind Hillary and Bernie. Also, on the left is Lincoln Chafee. On the right is Jim Webb. Congrats, you can now host a political podcast.
  • If your drinking game involves consuming alcohol any time the Democrats laugh at what a nuthouse the #GOPDebates are, just go to bed now.

  • Many plan on drinking every time they learn something new about Lincoln Chafee or Jim Webb. Please don't do this. You have a family that loves you. They would miss you. If you really want to impress your friends, take a drink whenever you actually already knew something about them.

  • If your mom texts to ask if you knew Bernie Sanders was Jewish, she has to drink.

  • Instead of taking a shot every time candidates bicker, only do it if the combined age of the combatants is over 200 (so, anytime someone joins Hillary and Sanders in an argument).

  • Chug some apple juice every time Hillary mentions being a grandmother. It's sweet, but after the eighth time it's just cloying.

  • If Bernie and Hillary start arguing about who's stuck in the 60s, switch to pot.

  • If Martin O'Malley tries to remind everyone he's from a "new generation," switch to Adderall.

  • If Jim Webb stands there glaring because he was a Marine, a Senator, and Secretary of the Navy and could wipe the floor in a fight with any of these people who are all polling better than him, switch back to beer.

  • Finish the drink in your hand the first time former Baltimore mayor Martin O'Malley brings up The Wire. After that, though, only take a shot if Anderson Cooper accidentally calls him Tommy Carcetti.

  • Splash ice water in your face every time Hillary ham-handedly attempts Millennial references. Break out smelling salts if she says something like "Donald Trump is so odd that I can't even."

  • Sip, don't chug every time Bernie Sanders patiently explains his definition of “Democratic Socialist" to a room and country full of people who stopped listening.

  • If someone sitting behind Anderson Cooper becomes the next Hot Debate Guy, refrain from drinking any time they're on camera or even making eye contact. Only take a full drink when you see them look at their phone and realize they've been memed.
  • Take 10 shots when Hillary Clinton finally makes the career-ending political error Republicans and Democratic rivals have been waiting 20 years for. Have fun staying sober, suckers.

  • If guns get brought up, be sure to only take shots of beer every time Bernie Sanders disappoints his base by acting like the senator from a rural hunting state with very little gun crime.

  • If you’re watching the debate with one of Lincoln Chafee’s actual human supporters (like a certain Someecards editor), get drunk beforehand and stay politely silent while you watch their dreams collapse.

  • Feel free to drink any time someone goes directly after Hillary Clinton. The real danger would be to drink anytime someone should take on Clinton, but holds back because they want an appointment in her cabinet.

  • Do not drink whenever Anderson Cooper brings up Donald Trump. Only drink once the candidates give in and start talking about him more than Hillary. Then keep drinking until the election is over. Hopefully, you'll wake up to discover there's a non-Trump president and that the post-apocalyptic video game Fallout 4 has been released. Otherwise, Trump will be president and you'll be living inside Fallout 4. Either way, at least Fallout 4 is happening.