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On Oct. 7, a tape emerged of Donald Trump bragging to Billy Bush about his ability to make unwanted advances on women, saying he likes to "grab 'em by the pussy." This was somewhat problematic for the candidate of the party that often claims to represent family values. Nevertheless, several Republicans have felt obliged to try and defend him (even if they couldn't stand to hear it). Here are the 5 most common excuses, ranked by insanity:

5. "This tape is so old. But what about the Clintons?"

The GOP's best and most popular option at this point is to simultaneously say "that video is 11 years old and people change," while also saying Bill Clinton was no saint in the 90s and that is on Hillary. It's the best option, because yeah, Bill is a dirty dog. However, it relies on forgetting a 10-year-old incident in favor of decades-old ones and believing Hillary collaborated with Bill in some kind of Cruel Temptations-like scheme to assault women.

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4. "Everything is going exactly as planned."

If you're not familiar with Bill Mitchell, the Tony Robbins knockoff and radio host is Trump's most Pollyannish supporter. He's also a favorite among liberal twitter comedians for being the platonic ideal of a target. He had a great day yesterday in which the Trump story barely even happened.

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3. "Locker room banter."

Actually a part of Donald's real apology, he described the open-air conversation he had on a studio lot in front of cameras with a celebrity he just met as "locker room banter." Trump also said "Bill Clinton has said far worse to me on the golf course — not even close." Not only does this mean that the best he can do is that he's also bragged about sexual assault with Bill Clinton (if true), but that Trump would be comfortable telling any and all dudes that he enjoys grabbing women's unsuspecting genitals. This is not a good defense.

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2. "He was a Democrat, but he got better."

You can't even get mad at this one. Washington State GOP chair Susan Hutchinson strips the paint off the competition with the creativity of this answer.

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1. "But just wait until people get a load of this King David guy."

Literally bringing comedians' jokes to life, Sean Hannity cited the biblical example of King David on his nightly Fox News show. If you're not familiar with King David, the Israelite monarch slew Goliath as a young man, but was more famous in his elder years for having 500 concubines.

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People have since pointed out several flaws in this excuse. Specifically, that owning 500 women as sex objects is not considered "cool" anymore. Also, debauched monarchs are not really America's thing as a shining light of democracy. Also (I've been told), the Bible is not always 100% historically accurate. Also, it was 3100 years ago and times have changed just a little bit, even by GOP standards.