These are the most bonkers things Trump said in Puerto Rico today. Buckle up.

On Donald Trump's belated trip to survey hurricane damage in Puerto Rico, the president accomplished the remarkable feat of saying exactly all of the wrong things to victims of a devastating disaster.

Trump prepped for the trip by spending the weekend making the crisis about himself, criticizing San Juan's mayor from his golf club and disparaging all Puerto Ricans as lazy people who "want everything done for them."

With that in mind, here's all of the nice things The Donald said to patch things up!

1. "Every death is a horror, but if you look at a real catastrophe like Katrina, and you look at the tremendous, hundreds and hundreds of people that died...you can be very proud. Sixteen versus literally thousands and thousands of people."

Note: The death toll is almost certain to be higher, but the death toll doesn't make Hurricane Maria any less "real" than Hurricane Katrina. Also, "thousands and thousands" of people didn't die in Katrina.

2. "I hate to tell you, Puerto Rico, but you've thrown our budget out of whack."

Note: Trump threw his own budget out of whack and bankrupted the Secret Service.

3. "Few people have ever even heard of a Category 5 hitting land."

Note: Everyone has. 33 have hit land since 1924.

4. "Have a good time!"

Note: There is not a good time to be had in the rubble of your home.

5. [throws necessities out to peasants like it's a game]

Look at that smooth free throw!

Note: A picture is worth a thousand words.