The Secret Service names GOP candidates would give themselves, ranked by nonsense.

The Secret Service names GOP candidates would give themselves, ranked by nonsense.

I don't think they prepared these.

Somewhere in the last hour of the marathon CNN GOP debate, the candidates were asked what Secret Service code name they would want if elected President. Obama, for example, is "Renegade." George W. Bush was first "Tumbler" and later "Trailblazer." Reagan was "Rawhide." Jimmy Carter was "Lock Master," naturally. You see what kind of names we're talking about here. Code names. If I need to explain to you what a cool code name sounds like, go watch more spy movies. The candidates responded. Many got so caught up in trying to say something about themselves that they forgot to pick something that sounds remotely like a code name. And most were, y'know, just bad. Granted, they had limited time, but let's rank these by whether they make sense as a cool codename, with points given for making sense at all:

1. Carly Fiorina - "Secretariat" 

As some pundits are saying about the debate as a whole, Carly Fiorina won the name category with a strong name that echoes her beginnings as a secretary while totally being a plausible code name. Not the flashiest name in existence, but 100% makes sense and could be someone's code name.

2. Donald Trump - "Humble"

A good joke, and sounds like the kind of code name bomb designers would give a nuclear test. Much like electing Donald Trump would be.

3. Marco Rubio - "Gator"

Not as evocative as the first two, Marco Rubio's "Gator" pick makes totally acceptable sense even if it was based on a pretty boring story about Florida colleges or something. Actually, perfect.


4. Mike Huckabee - "Duck Hunter"

As much as I didn't want to like this name at first (but I'm looking at this 100% scientifically), it could feasibly work. It might unintentionally make everyone imagine Mike Huckabee as the protagonist of a classic Nintendo game, but it also evokes the movie "Deer Hunter," but, y'know, cuddlier.

5. Jeb Bush - "Eveready" 

You know, like the battery. "Because it's high energy," he said to Donald Trump, referencing Donald's earlier backhanded compliment that Bush had more energy in this debate. They then high-fived. About Jeb Bush naming himself after a pack of AAs. He's had years to think about this. Years.


6. Ted Cruz - "Cohiba"

This is an unhealthy message to send to children, Ted Cruz, and also literally something that goes up in smoke.

7. John Kasich - "Unit Two"

There are so many problems with this, the story about how his wife demands to be Unit One aside. I imagine the Secret Service might have a Unit One or Unit Two, for one. Two, they are not going to call the President "Unit Two." You're the President. You are going to spend literally every foreign trip leaning across a table to tell some foreign dignitary this story about your wife taking Unit One.


8. Chris Christie - "True Heart"

We're getting into nonsense territory now, beginning in this twilight zone of "True Heart." This would sound ludicrous unless applied to someone as incorruptible as Captain America (cough); it's almost guaranteed to sound sarcastic through an earpiece. This was a brain's random word generator barely getting by with a pleasant adjective-noun guess.

9. Ben Carson - "One Nation"

This makes no sense. Plus a bunch of dudes yelling "One Nation is on the move!" around the President is going to accidentally start a war one day. Did I mention it makes no sense as a code name? To be fair, Dr. Ben Carson isn't a lifelong politician, and hasn't had as long to think about it as, say:


10. Rand Paul - "Justice Never Sleeps"

You are not allowed to have a catchphrase as a code name, Senator. No. It is against the rules. I know how much you like close readings of the rules. This is completely unacceptable. If we allowed this, anarchy would break loose, and not fun "let's end the drug war" anarchy.

11. Scott Walker - "Harley"

Ok, fine, it kind of makes sense but this dude is not getting named Harley no matter how many he rides.