With 10 of the country's zaniest Republicans all occupying the same stage, this is one of the most dangerous debates in living memory for viewers playing a drinking game.
Don't drink every time Ted Cruz makes you roll your eyes; only drink when Ted Cruz makes one of the other guys on stage roll their eyes.
To avoid death by alcohol poisoning, here are some tips for moderating your GOP-based booze intake.
- Only drink every time Trump says the stupidest thing you've ever heard. So, saying POWs aren't war heros because "I prefer the people who don't get captured" won't cut it, because you've already heard that. You'll still have to drink the first time he talks, probably, but at least you can take a breather until he tops himself each time.
- Only drink every other time someone in your viewing party or someone onstage calls Rand Paul "Ron" by accident. Do still drink if Rand pouts when this happens.
- Fill your shot glasses with beer, not liquor, for every time the camera cuts to a sad, dejected Rick Perry lurking behind a curtain.
- Boot and rally every time the son and brother of former presidents talks about restoring the American Dream, where anyone can make it with hard work.
- Drink any time Ben Carson relates politics to neurosurgery, a topic he is actually knowledgeable about.
- Drink when Ted Cruz elicits an actual eye-roll from one of the other people on stage, all of whom hate him even more than Trump.
- Don't even bother trying to keep your liquids down if Mike Huckabee defends Josh Duggar or claims to be the defender of the Jews against a second Holocaust.
- Switch to coffee any time John Kasich launches an ill-fated attempt to make an actual point.
- Don't drink every time Scott Walker utters the Koch Brothers' words, only drink when his eyes roll all the way back in his head and the two billionaires speak directly through him as their vessel.
- Whatever you do, do not drink every time Chris Christie threatens to physically harm teachers. Or reaches for his smartphone to ask underlings to enact revenge on a teacher. Or holds up a photo of a teacher and silently burns it.
- Do not chug for the entire time Bobby Jindal inevitably streaks across the stage. He will be greased up and surprisingly hard to catch.
- You can still drink every time you find yourself wondering whether you are starting to like Marco Rubio.