At this point, you might be tuning out all the amazing sound bites from a presidential race that already feels like it's lasted decades. That's healthy! But if you have stopped paying attention, here are the five most marvelous candidate lies you really shouldn't miss out on this week, counted down in entertainment value from least to most imaginative.
5. Bernie Sanders: "You may hear me say a word or two about my friend Donald Trump but not my democratic colleagues, who are serious people."
Bernie's first lie was implying that classic third wheel Martin O’Malley and SNL featured player Hillary Clinton are always serious candidates. But that's just semantics—obviously Hillary has a real shot at the presidency.
The real lie was Bernie's commitment not to say "a word or two" about his democratic colleagues. Well, that was true of O'Malley. Clearly referring to Hillary’s speaking fees, Sanders said:
By the way, without naming any names, Goldman Sachs also provides very, very generous speaking fees to some unnamed candidates. Very generous. Now I know that some of my opponents are very good speakers, very fine orators, very smart people, but you gotta be really, really, really good to get $225,000 a speech. That's all I'll say.
But come on. Saying you're not gonna say anything about someone and then taking a few shots anyway? Sure, that's technically a lie in the whole "not true" sense, but it's not all that creative. You can do better, Bernie.
4. Chris Christie: Marco Rubio is "a first term senator who's still learning where the men's room is in the Senate."
What?! Come on, the restroom is some first day stuff. Rubio's been in the Senate since 2011. If he still hadn't peed there yet, he'd be a superman and he'd already be president. It would be national, nay, global news if Rubio had not already pooped in the senate, let alone peed!
But man, is that a creative dig (from a Fox news appearance this Monday). Picture Marco Rubio walking around the halls of Congress politely saying, "Sorry, can you point me to the little Rubio's room?" Pretty creative lie. And fun, too! Good work, governor.
3. John Kasich: 'We have a lot of candidates who like the 'Prince of Darkness,' I consider myself the 'Prince of Light and Hope…'"
Just an unbelievably fun quote from not-as-crazy-Spice.
Now, the latter half of the quote—from Tuesday's interview with radio host Hugh Hewitt—is not technically a lie, because he said "I consider myself the 'Prince of Light and Hope," instead of "I am the chosen, I am the mythical one of whom the prophecies speak, I am the 'Prince of Light and Hope." But by that logic, he could also say, "I consider myself the President of the United States." Doesn't make it true.
Still, there's the beginning of the quote, and Donald Trump would certainly disagree with the claim that he is a candidate who "likes" the Prince of Darkness. Probably. Either way, John Kasich is at least lying to himself, because the only widely acknowledged "Prince of Light and Hope" is Jesus, or Luke Skywalker. Or maybe Harry Potter.
Extremely creative. Major points on this biblical/sci-fi reference.
2. Rand Paul: 'This race should not be about who can grasp the ring. Electing Gollum should not be our objective.'
Hover your cursor over the "Rand Paul" byline on this Facebook post from Wednesday to assure yourself it's verified. Rand Paul says, "One candidate on this national stage wants you to give him power. He tells you he is rich, so he must be smart," before inferring that Donald Trump is Gollum.
Objectively, that is false. Donald Trump is more of an orc than a Sméagol, if only because he's got good posture. Plus, electing Gollum should absolutely be "our objective." He has incredible focus and he helped Frodo drop the ring in Mount Doom. Thank you, Gollum! Please, take the mantle of the free world.
This is so creative. While most of America is thinking about Game of Thrones, Paul's taking it back. BRAVO, SIR RAND.
1. Donald Trump: "I'm honored by the tremendous amount of support I had in the U.K."
Trump told the above Sky News reporter on Tuesday of his "very big success in London" (before patting her on the shoulder in a way so uncomfortable the video had to cut away). That success refers to him not getting literally banned from the country. "I'm honored by the tremendous support I had in the UK, and that whole thing went away," said Trump, "very few people even showed up to talk about it."
If you walk into a Quiznos and you walk out without being barred from ever returning—is that a success? In a small way, sure. But if you're really, really winning, they'll actually give you a free sub. All Trump got was not completely outlawed, after a petition to do that got over half a million signatures.
Trump gets huge points for twisting this embarrassing episode into an "honor." A beautiful spin on reality. Excellent work, Señor Trump, you told this week's most creative lie!