It would be reasonable to assume that reptilian overlords would leverage their powers to transcend the human trappings of age. On the contrary, as we can see with most reptilians (politicians), the effects of wielding oppressive amounts of power often age them into oblivion. Currently, people on Twitter are having a heyday freaking out over Ted Cruz's age. More specifically, the internet is fascinated with the fact that Cruz projects the spiritual, emotional and physical stodginess of a much older man. While (most) of us can't stop the pacing of our genes, we CAN stop ourselves from projecting an aura of imminent death. It only seems logical that Cruz has been projecting death and the vibes of a salty retired man since the day he first learned to say "freedom."
One of the most terrifying revelations to hit the internet is the fact that JLo is older than Ted Cruz.
For those still wondering about the stats, Cruz is a sprightly 46-year-old, whereas the ever glowing JLo is 48.
The contrast between Cruz's relatively young age and his withering spirit is the stuff of nightmares.
There are scores of well moisturized mothers out there shuddering at the fact that Cruz is younger than them.
One man pitched a game show comparing Cruz's dying spirit to the spritely spirits of those older than him.
The internet will never pass up an opportunity to use the legendary GIF of Cruz getting side-stepped by his daughter.
She looks as harrowed by the concept of hugging him as the rest of us are.
Some people needed a moment to recover from the trauma of Cruz's accelerated mortality.
In all honesty, it would feel more on-brand for Cruz to be a 200-year-old with Benjamin Button syndrome than a regular 46-year-old.
Please, someone photoshop this concept. For the Greater Good.
This fact will forever leave the public in emotional shambles.
He's only one year older than 30 Seconds to Mars frontman Jared Leto, which is wild since Leto has the spirit of a 15-year-old that won't stop playing their guitar at your birthday party.
The queen of red lipstick and Orange County-inspired pop ballads Gwen Stefani is also somehow older than Cruz.
Now I'm haunted by the idea of Cruz singing No Doubt at karaoke. Does he even know the masterpiece Spiderwebs exists?!
Age is just a number. But in the case of Cruz, it's a number that reminds us of how joyless his life has been.