Advertising

Republicans are really jazzed about repealing and replacing Obamacare, also known as the Affordable Care Act. But there is only one problem: they still haven't announced what they are replacing it with. So hold tight, 1.4 million people who depend on Obamacare to literally not die! They've been coming up with something for the last six years, so you know it's going to be good!

Here are 15 things that the GOP is plausibly replacing your healthcare with, so make sure you take your vitamins and eat your spinach because you're not going to want to get sick for at least four years.

Advertising

1. Trump will personally offer women free mammograms.

But only if you're a 10.
But only if you're a 10.
giphy

2. New presidential fitness test will include "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps."

You can do it, you're just not trying hard enough.
You can do it, you're just not trying hard enough.
giphy

3. Mike Pence will help you to pray your cancer away.

If that doesn't work, he will shock it out of you.
If that doesn't work, he will shock it out of you.
giphy

4. Newt Gingrich will heal you in exchange for a part of your soul.

He survives by feeding off the souls of the living.
He survives by feeding off the souls of the living.
giphy
Advertising

5. Stay fit with Paul Ryan's workout tape: "Sweatin' to the Old Laws."

Party like it's 1885.
Party like it's 1885.
giphy

6. Build a wall between those who are ill and make the sick people pay for it.

Keep those germs out.
Keep those germs out.
giphy

7. You can borrow money from your father to pay your astronomical out-of-pocket bills.

Bonus: It's another way to screw the children of single mothers!
Bonus: It's another way to screw the children of single mothers!
giphy

8. Anyone with mental health issues will be sent a discounted "hang in there" kitty poster.

Ugh, this cat is such a snowflake.
Ugh, this cat is such a snowflake.
giphy
Advertising

9. Trump will add "chasing immigrants" to FitBit exercise counter.

Hold on to your (red) hats!
Hold on to your (red) hats!
giphy

10. You know, just a good old-fashioned leeching.

Not just figuratively.
Not just figuratively.
giphy

11. Doctors will offer an "alternative diagnoses" if you don't like what you are diagnosed with.

All doctors trained at the Trump University of Medicine, of course.
All doctors trained at the Trump University of Medicine, of course.
giphy

12. He will inspire many protest marches that will keep you fit and toned.

Also known as "walking it off."
Also known as "walking it off."
giphy
Advertising

13. Those with infections encouraged to eat antibiotic rich Trump steaks.

Suck it, vegans.
Suck it, vegans.
giphy

14. Mr. Trump requests all urine samples be sent directly to him.

We wonder why.
We wonder why.
giphy

15. If you die of a pre-existing condition, your bones will be mulched and used in the construction of the wall.

Now that is how you "make America great again."
Now that is how you "make America great again."
giphy