We wish this was real.

Our traffic analytics allow us to see what percentage of you are reading the site on your phones from the comfort of a toilet seat, and it's 100%.

Hi reader. How's that poop going? Hopefully, you're feeling relaxed and not rushed by the knowledge you have a meeting in five minutes.

You'd never have that kind of scheduling conflict if you were using the Deuce app. It gives you 24-hour advance notification of when to expect a poo, and then rearranges your calendar so you've got plenty of time. My only complaint about the app is that it's a sketch written by The Bilderbergers and not a product I can download right this second.