Baltimore city employee caught watching a truly mind-boggling amount of porn at work.

Baltimore city employee caught watching a truly mind-boggling amount of porn at work.
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If you're wondering how much time watching porn at work is too much, we have an answer: 39 hours out of 82 hours. That's too much.

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Come to me, porn. I beckon thee closer! (via Thinkstock)

A Baltimore Public Works employee at the Back River Wastewater Treatment Plant was fired earlier this year after an investigation revealed that he spent almost half of his work time in a two-week period — 39 hours — watching porn. How did he even find the time? There are some two-week periods where I barely get 39 hours of sleep. While there are a lot of things you can say about this guy, you can't claim he doesn't know his priorities.

The investigation was initiated after the Mayor's Office of Information Technology received a tip about the employee in the summer of 2014, and research into the computer's logs revealed that there were no porn files on the computer or in the browsing history, but there was a pornographic DVD in the DVD drive. The Office of the Inspector General then monitored the employee's computer use for two weeks, and according to the report on the investigation, this was the result:

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Operation: Who Watches the Porn Watchers? (via the Office of the Inspector General)

My first assumption was "I bet this dumb-dumb just had porn going on a browser tab he wasn't paying attention to." But oh, no — according to monitoring software installed on his computer, the porn was a DVD, and it was played in full-screen mode. I mean, I get it, guy — multitasking sucks. If you're going to jerk it at work, you want to actually focus on jerking it at work.

Also, as far as I can figure out from the report, the employee was watching the same one DVD over and over. This isn't just a fuckton of time watching porn, this is a fuckton of time watching the same porn. I've come up with some theories about what might've actually been happening:

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  • The employee's recently deceased mother was an adult film actress, and this one DVD was the last visual record he has of her. Watching it was him mourning and honoring her memory.
  • He was working on a screenplay that satirized the malaise and corruption endemic in Baltimore Public Works, and his model was a parody of this particular pornographic film (title for his version: Baltimore Pubic Works).
  • The employee had discovered a secret code, hidden in the woven blankets on the porn's fluid-soaked couches, that was leading him to discover the true identity of the Zodiac killer. And by firing this man, humanity has lost its last hope of finding truth and justice for his murders.
  • Dude just really loved jizzing in the office.
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Hopefully the fired man is applying for a job at the EPA, where you can watch up to six hours of porn a day without getting fired.

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