Man asks if he was wrong to shame mom for celebrating pregnancy after wife miscarries.
Many married couples have trouble conceiving children, and trying to build a family can be a potentially harrowing experience for a husband and wife. Every couple struggling with fertility wants to feel supported, especially by their extended family. But what if a woman miscarries and her mother in law gets pregnant around the same time? Is it rude to mention it?
Well, the internet has this exact story, on the popular Reddit forum in the Am I The A**hole Subreddit, a man asks if he's an a**hole for telling his mother she shouldn't have brought up her new baby and pregnancy at a family dinner after his wife miscarried.
I'm (28m) and happily married to my wife Sara (31), we have been together for over 6 years and married for 3 years. My mother Laura (45) had me pretty early on, and has been with my dad since she was 14. After she had me, she had a total of 7 kids in the space of 10 years, so I have loads of siblings.
Wow, that's a lot for OP's wife to compete with.
Me and Sara have been struggling to conceive for the past three years. We really would like to have a kid together and considered surrogacy, but my family kinda talked us out, saying we shouldn't trust our child some unknown woman.
I have suggested my mother or my sister to become our surrogate if they are that worried, but both of them declined saying that they can't have any more children and won't be able to carry (my sister has 5 kids).
Well, that's kind of shady of the mom and sister, especially considering what happens next.
Me and Sara have tried a lot of options and recently unfortunately she had another miscarriage and this was really upsetting and depressing for both of us. Then, I find out that my mother is pregnant with another son. My mom new about all of our struggles and recent miscarriage, and invited us out for dinner at her house yesterday to talk about it.
Okay, well the mom can't help that's she's pregnant.
My entire family was there and the dinner was going well, Sara congratulated my mother on her pregnancy. Then my sister announced that she is ALSO pregnant again and basically her and my mother ended up having the 'baby talk' really loudly where they were both so excited. My wife got up and left in tears. Btw, she had to cut off her family because they kept telling her she is 'not a woman' for not being able to have children and is too old.
Oh no, poor OP's wife. And I'm sorry, did the mother and sister even address Sara's recent miscarriage?
After we got home my mother called me and said Sara was rude and 'ruined the dinner to celebrate life'. I got angry and told her she was completely out of line and inconsiderate for having the baby talk/ 'life celebration' with my sister when she knew Sara had another miscarriage. I have also said that if she told us what the dinner was really about that we wouldn't have come. At the end I was called an a****** for 'not appreciating another life being born'.
Well, I certainly don't think so. This is just so inconsiderate. Reddit users thought so too.
NTA. Your mom and sister talked you out of using a surrogate b/c you can't trust a stranger, then lied about why they won't be surrogates. They manipulated you out of pursuing surrogacy and they lied to manipulate you both to show up for dinner. They knew how much it would hurt. Your mother and sister are knowingly sabotaging your wife and your happiness. -corpuscularocelot
NTA. OP's mother and sister very likely feel superior to OP's wife, since she is unable to carry a pregnancy. These women are quite clearly able to easily get pregnant, and for many women being so fertile makes them feel superior as a 'woman.' Unfortunately for these women they are no better, nor are they worse than, other women who can not or will not get pregnant. - HDMX586
You'd think the myth of women being more empathic would pan out here, especially amongst mothers. North American women are incredibly competitive about this kind of stuff, I remember women asking me how long I had breastfed for, or if I had a C-section or natural birth, or if having had a natural birth I had requested an epidural. I swear some of my previous girl friends were the happiest if I was overweight and frazzled & stopped calling me when I got in shape. NTA and hate this whole culture. -buenrakulo
NTA. So depressing. It's called Golden Uterus/Womb syndrome I think. I'm infertile and have been told several times I'm lesser. Fun times. - westernunusual284
I feel sorry for the mom and sister because obviously they have nothing else going on for them except that they can pop out babies like a baby vending machine. Put a dollar in, out pops a baby. OP's wife probably has a lot more going for her. Probably smart, pretty, funny, everything they're not. So they don't want to share motherhood with her. NTA OP! - carisA506