There, there, tell Flannelly O'Cotton all about it.
We all have them, that one friend who has no more-than-friends and isn't likely to any time in the at-best-medium term. But just because you never call them once you find someone in your life to get all naked with doesn't mean you've forgotten them entirely! Lonely people need a spot on your obligatory gift list as well. Since they're determined to be miserable and not settle for someone in their realistic range, why not give them one of these gifts to ease their pain and give you a good chuckle at the same time?
For the lonely heart who is also a shattered, bitter, probably-now-undatable heart.
Remind your friend that although it's a pillow, it's still firmer than most American male torsos.
Apparently, for when you're alone in your beach house after getting everthing in the divorce.
Many loners long for petite Japanese girls. They don't get much more that than this.
Perfect for men or women - because no human will ever talk to you again anyway.
Are you a "talk to your plants" person, but don't feel crazy enough? Worry no more!
Makes enough sadness for millions.
Much like Bella, in order to be with Jason and Edward forever you need only give up your life.
My vest liked my birthday eight times!
The only downside is it's hard to disguise what it is under wrapping paper. Also, creepy.
"Things were much weirder before she convinced the cat to convert from Judaism."
"In the 60's I got guys like him, so now that I'm in my 60's it's fine! Leave me alone!"
Again, cats: the only creature that makes you lonelier as they multiply.
This will have to do until they find a way for you to pay $2.99-a-day for Siri to love you.
The bottom hands are coated in teflon so your moisturizer washes right off!
For the man who already has every Fleshlight.