1. We're Going To Collide With The Comet ISON, Which Has Just Entered Earth's Orbit!

Okay, I'm not an astrophysicist or an astronomer or even someone who can name all fifty planets, but when I see a headline like, "Comet ISON Has Moved Inside the Earth's Orbit on Journey Toward the Sun," I don't need to read past the first eight words before figuring out that we're all going to die. This is a 2 billion ton comet we're talking about. That's, like, a lot of tons. We can't share an orbit with something that big. And, according to Slate's Bad Astronomy blog, it's totally going to hit us. Now, when I say "totally hit us," what I actually mean is "come within 40 million miles of us," which is pretty close. So, it might as well be hitting us.