I've been alive for 35 years, and somehow these are my 5 biggest secrets.

I've been alive for 35 years, and somehow these are my 5 biggest secrets.

I've decided to live a more honest life.

To do so, I wanted to examine my secrets and what I'm afraid other people might find out about me. My conclusions were not particularly exciting. The fact that these are the most thrilling details I'm hiding from the world is actually a little depressing. Regardless, I've chosen to face my fears and admit these truths here on the Internet because it still feels safer than speaking them out loud to a breathing human being.

1. I don't brush my teeth Friday or Saturday nights.


I normally practice generally acceptable dental hygiene. This anomaly started a few years back. It first started when I would go out on these nights and get home too drunk/tired to bother brushing. It has now continued into my non-partying life. I've somehow given myself permanent permission to behave this way. I can be dead sober at 11:30pm on a Friday and say to myself, “Oh good it's Friday. I can just go to sleep now." It's delightful. I look forward to it as a little treat to myself for surviving another long week of proper brushing.

2. Almost once a week my fly is open at noon.



Yes, these occurrences happen after I've left my home, but before I've used a bathroom. That means it's been like that for hours. I have no excuse for this one. Every day, one of the few responsibilities I have to society is to insure that no one can see my underpants through my zipper hole. I let society down about 1 in 10 times. Despite the frequency, it still surprises me every time.

3. I only like Bob Dylan a little bit.


I consider myself a somewhat well-rounded music fan, but I just never got into Dylan. I don't dislike him. I enjoy the bit I know, and I'm content to leave it there. I'm sorry.


4. Every day of my life I'm wearing glasses intended for children.


I am not a large man. I'm five foot six. In my opinion that makes me averagely short, not freakishly short. (OK, since I'm coming clean here, I'll also admit I'm technically five foot five and three quarters but always call it five foot six.) Either way, I have a tiny head, and children's glasses fit me perfectly. Sure, the frame selection is limited and sometimes I have to sharpie over an image of a Disney character when I take them home, but it is what it is. At least they're cheaper. This one should actually count as a win for me.


5. I really want to try all the new breakfast items in the Taco Bell commercials.

You're now a morning person.
A photo posted by Taco Bell (@tacobell) on

I'm not kidding. I understand that the words Taco Bell and breakfast sound like the set up to a juvenile joke about lunchtime diarrhea, but I'm dead serious. That stuff looks good to me. A soft taco filled with egg and sausage? I'm not better than that. Despite however much it may lower society's opinion of me, I still want to know what a hash brown tastes like inside a crunch wrap. Most people think of Taco Bell as something you should only eat in the very early AM hours. I want it in the regular morning AM hours, and I no longer care who knows it.