We asked you, dear readers, for your best, funniest, most outrageous stories of the hands-down douchiest things an ex has ever done to you.
You really, really delivered.
A thousand comments and hundreds of emails later, we've culled the first batch of your stories down to the most amusing.
Our sincere apologies to any readers whose stories did not make the list: rest assured, your tales moved us—but were probably more fit for a court of law.
So enjoy the following: the best "terrible ex" stories you'll find this side of Maury.
1. Sylvia married a hustler who couldn't stop hustling.
I was married to and financially supported my husband for 9 years so he could follow his dream of becoming a professional musician. We needed our deck stained and he told me he would do it for $700, which he saw as a bargain! Really? Really. We're both single now.
2. "DICKHEAD" has a reasonable complaint about "DOUCHEBAG."
My now ex husband and I were on the same cell phone plan. After we separated he went online and unknowingly, to me, changed my caller ID to "DICKHEAD."
I don't know how long this was for, and I only found out after my boss at the time confronted me about changing it to be more professional!
3. Love is in the hair.
I met my ex at the barber shop I worked at. He became my client and we eventually started dating.
Fast forward 8 months and he breaks up with me out of the blue through a text— douche bag thing #1.
3 days later he walks into the shop and requests that I cut his hair —douche bag thing #2.
After an awkward haircut including shampoo and massage, I walk him to the counter to check out he still expected a free hair cut as if we were dating — douche bag thing #3 .
3 years later he still calls me crying or sends me dick pics bragging about how he was the best dick I ever had. He was not in fact he never got me off once something I never told a soul even after the messy break up. Because I'm not a douche bag.
4. Tinder can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My ex and I did the deed (very unsatisfactory if I may add!) and I had rolled over to go to the bathroom and saw that he was on tinder... immediately after having sex with me and three months into dating.
He wasn't hiding it either, he had his phone out and I could clearly see the app being used.
He didn't understand why I was mad because he said and I quote "it wasn't a big deal."
5. Maggie's ex drove her crazy.
He drove a car with the license plate "DRMBOAT". He drove a Subaru.
6. When your ex steals your idea... read this one to the end.
He liked to go out drinking and partying with his ex, and finally admitted he was cheating on me with her. We worked things out and he went away for work, I drove 8 hours to visit, and 15 minutes into seeing him he admits to cheating with 3 other women, all on the same day! We split and he knocked some girl up a few years later. They had their baby exactly 1 year after my husband and i had our daughter- to the day.
The kicker, he named the baby boy the baby name I told him I was going to name my first born boy!
7. Nicki likes a man with a plan. Just not this plan. Please.
I was in college and my boyfriend at the time was a student at the same school. We both lived with friends off campus. For a full semester, he didn't have a car for whatever reason, so I was picking him up at his house, dropping him off at campus for class, then picking him up at the end of his class and bringing him home, 2-3 times per week. If I had plans, I would rearrange them around his schedule so I could be there to pick him up and drop him off.
Long after we broke up, I learned that he had dropped out of school as soon as the semester began (or before for all I know) and for nearly 6 months, he didn't tell me. He would have me pick him up at home, drop him off at school, then one of his roommates would leave their house, pick him up at school, bring him back to their house, they would play video games and eat McDonalds for nearly 3 hours, then BRING HIM BACK TO SCHOOL, where I would meet him to pick him up and bring him back home.
This went on from the start to the end of the semester. He told me he was afraid I would judge him for dropping out, so instead, he orchestrated this charade for months that caused me to completely waste my time, energy, and gas mileage for someone who had no redeeming qualities other than the fact that he was working towards his own future and had the skills to be manipulative enough to carry on such an elaborate lie for so long.
He even carried a fake notebook and text book to "class".
8. Gina's boyfriend had the best (douche) line of the list, easily.
Upon catching him getting a blow-job from some girl at a party, he shrugged and said, "Like I'm gonna tell her to stop?"
9. Florence will clearly never forget this one. Hopefully she has screenshots.
I dated an a**hole for 16 months we had a great time together and he was my first boyfriend. We would spend after school together whenever we could and when we couldn't hangout we would play moshi monsters.
Well, in moshi monsters you have your "message board" anyone can see and you stick "post-its" to it when you want to talk to someone.
He dumped me after forgetting my birthday in an online childrens game on a public board. It read: "hey sorry I missed your birthday the other day but anyways its not working out bye."
10. The great mystery... how are they still friends?
This was an ex of 7 years on and off. We remain friends to this day, but this happened one summer when we were in high school.
He went camping almost every weekend with his family near Atlantic City, so one weekend me and my friend Donna decided to go camping at a nearby campground and spend the weekend with him and some friends.
I introduce them. Not five minutes later my friend asks if she can kiss him. I of course said no, but that didn't stop her.
However I didn't find out she went behind my back until AFTER the weekend... when he called me and broke up with me... followed by him asking my permission to date Donna.
For the month that followed, he would call me almost every night and either talk to me or leave me text and voicemail thanking me for introducing him to such a great person.
11. Pro move. Always sell the truck.
After discovering my ex was cheating on me, he quit coming home and started staying at his girlfriend's apartment.
He showed up one morning and left with our truck (which had been my daily driver for the year prior). Then he came back a few hours later and told me he wanted me out of our house by that night. Gave me money to leave, signed the truck over to me, and had his employee help me load my stuff. I left a few hours later taking personal items, the money, truck and dog. I planned on leaving the state we lived in and going back "home."
He called and was pissed I actually left, but I kept going. After the divorce was final I decided to sell the truck, a way of moving on.
The kid I sold it to called and told me he was wiring in a new stereo and found a active, after-market tracking device. My ex was keeping tabs on me or the truck...maybe both!!
12. Addie might actually be the douchey ex, but we applaud her.
He chewed tobacco. Always left his spit bottles everywhere.. asked and asked for him to pick them up.. never did. Till one day I spilled one of them all over my lap.
So I grabbed all the ones I could find—7 half full cans... and put them inside his pillow case.
He got home late and tired and slept in his own spit!!
13. You can see how this would give you a headache.
My ex-boyfriend has a Ph.D. in Neuroscience. We both had gotten our brains scanned as part of a research project at the University Hospital and got to keep the brain images.
One night, we were looking at our brain images side-by-side and he grew sincerely concerned that I didn't have as much grey matter as he did.
He started wondering how compatible we were, seeing as how significantly (physically) different my brain was to his.
14. We have so many questions for Tim.
I had an ex, we had been pulling pranks on each other for ages (though it's worth noting we hadn't been together that long)!
So this particular day I arrive from work as normal (I worked away during the week and returned for the weekend), and she says we need to go somewhere. We walk into the underground car park together.
Little did I know she'd secretly stashed some shaving foam pies, bowls of baked beans, cartons of custard, all sorts...
She says, " I've got a surprise for you but you have to promise that to stand still and not open your eyes"... so I did... foolishly... lol!
The next thing I know I've got pies getting smeared in my face, bucket of beans over my head, custard down my clothes... I'm a mess!
With no warning she says "I guess I win the prank war then" and that was it apparently... a very funny ending to a very odd relationship...
At least it ended with a good laugh though!
15. A "parting gift" is probably a bad break-up tradition.
My ex was moving away... we'd had fun together watching sunrises and talking, but it was time to part ways.
He reached into a box and produced his favorite flag. It had been flown over the state house years ago back home. It was a Confederate flag.
Did I mention that I'm African American?!
16. Jenny has a classic tale as old as time itself.
My ex fiancé left me for my best friend (who I had given the maid of honour slot to).
They're now married with three kids and to add insult to injury, he took my crock pot and an electric grill.
17. This why you don't let 12-year-olds use the internet.
When I was 12, I had strict rules about boys (secret boyfriend), school, makeup, the internet, riding my bike more than two doors down... not the point.
Long story long we "dated" and he wasn't getting anywhere (physical) but I was so sweet he didn't want to have to break up with me in person and make me cry blah blah blah.
So my sweet baby self is head over heals and gets grounded because Mom sees a text from Tom on her cell phone. I stop responding, obviously. Then, that very night, unbeknownst to me, I get dumped! On my phone and on MySpace... but I don't have access to either!
The next week was weird at school to say the least.
I would try to make eye contact and he would blush and avert his eyes. I walked up to him with a group of friends to embrace him and he literally ran. He must have thought I was in denial or something crazy but I just didn't know I was dumped!
Finally, I corner him with another girl who he is so wrapped up in he missed my approach. When I got mad and started crying, Kim turns to him and says "Tom! You said you dumped her!"
Ehh. Didn't talk to Tom after that. Eventually even sweet young selves can take a hint. Even if it takes a week or so... you live and you learn.
Tom doesn't have teeth now, so who's the real winner?
18. This is not how you leave your ex for a porn job.
My ex left me to be the webmaster on a porn site... after telling me that the only thing he knew about women was how to sell them.
19. And finally, the hairiest situation of them all.
I lived with this dude for about a year. He was pretty metro so he had me wax his upper back hair for him (I'm an aesthetician). I don't really wax anything on myself so he accompanied me to my wholesale beauty store and we got the needed supplies which included a $20 wax pot.
When we broke up and I moved out, he sent me a text along these lines...
"Hey I'm sure it was an accident and your friends who were helping you pack didn't know, but I think you took the wax pot. Can you bring it back since I bought it?"
What's this dude gonna do? Wax his own fucking back?!?!
I went to our old place and gave him back the wax pot. He obviously needed it more than I did hahahahaha.
*All names have been changed to keep the drama anonymous.