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A confused teenager's masturbation habit accidentally created the dark, dank conditions perfect for a colony of cockroaches.

The insects prefer "warm, dark, wet areas." Unfortunately, a bedside wall covered in semen checks all three boxes.

This is the weirdest love story on the internet. Read it and leave the web forever.

This is a few months old but I feel like I have to get it out of my head.

So I know most people masturbate in the shower or in the toilet but I've always done it in bed. I am living with my parents so I guess I just like the privacy of my room. Then - and this is what I now realize is me being a fucking weirdo - when it was time I would just pull up the blanket, roll over to the side a bit and cum onto the wall/below the bed. I never really thought much of it and it never smelled bad so I just kept doing it because it was easy... Nobody noticed and people seldom visited my room anyway.

After some years of doing this I recently reached a few difficult points in my life and this exacerbated my masturbation habits. I used to only masturbate like once a week or so (maybe that's why it didn't smell?) but for a couple of weeks I started doing it every day, sometimes a few times a day. This usually wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary for a teenager but since I was always ejaculating on my wall/bed I began to get a bad cockroach infestation there.

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I've filed the story under Someecards' "Sex and Relationships" category. So far, you've read the "sex" part. But now comes the relationship. Steel yourself.

I didn't notice at first and since I've never had cockroaches before I didn't really know what they were but eventually I read up on the internet that cockroaches like to live in dark, moist places in the house and that made sense... At first I felt really disgusted. I wanted to exterminate them but I definitely didn't want my parents to find out what happened, so I tried to kill them by flicking them into a bowl of water and watching them drown. But then I felt really bad.

I don't know why but it felt like murder. I didn't really dislike the cockroaches. I had never even seen cockroaches before and they were kind of interesting. So I decided to stop killing them and kind of just let them be for like a week (at this point I finally began masturbating in the shower). I know this sounds really weird but I kind of began thinking of them as my children. It started out as a joke-thought but then it got more serious. Like, they were literally borne out of my sperm... so in my mind it made sense that they were my offspring in a way. I actually want kids when I grow up. And this was kind of like that - I used to bring them food and stuff from the kitchen and play with them by moving them around the room or letting them crawl on me and I just got really emotionally attached to them for a while even though they were obviously just insects.

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So far, you have read "sex" part of this story and the "relationship" section.

But this story first appeared in the Reddit forum "Today I F*cked Up." After graduating from the first two acts of this story, you're ready for the third.

Then my parents found out. I think my dad saw one in the kitchen and immediately freaked out and called the exterminator the same day while I was at school.

So we had to move out for about a week to an Airbnb and I was really depressed the entire time but I couldn't tell them why. They thought I just didn't like the Airbnb.

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You have now read the "sex" part of this story, the "relationship" section, and the "f*ck up."

But that's not quite accurate, because this kid did nothing wrong. Yeah, he masturbated a bunch of cockroaches into existence, started to care for them like his children, and then watched in horror as his own father murdered them in cold blood.

But it is better to have loved and lost (your cockroaches), than to have never loved your cock's roaches at all.