5. Chris Brown, because Karrueche is accusing him of stalking her.
Back when they were in love and in fur. (Getty)
Poor Chris Brown. He just can't catch a break. Unless you consider it a break when you get away with multiple instances of assault and still have fans who adore you. In that case, he's extremely lucky.
On the other hand, he's had no luck in winning back his ex-girlfriend, model/actress Karrueche Tran. Tran broke things off when she found out that he was a baby daddy back in March, which should have been the end of it. Brown, however, is never one to take no for an answer. Last week he ran into her at a club, and then forced his way into her SUV outside. After she got rid of him, he came to her house at 3:30 AM and started banging on her door. Then he confronted her at a diner, where the two got into a shouting match. Classy.
As serious as it sounds, this was a pretty low-key domestic incident for Chris Brown. Now, however, the two are hitting each other where it hurts: Instagram comments. Check out this heated exchange that happened over the weekend:
#ChrisBrown stepped into #TheShadeRoom and set it off! #Karrueche #AccessHollywood
A photo posted by The Shade Room (@theshaderoominc) on
First off @chrisbrownofficial you just did an interview w Ryan Seacrest in which you spoke about me. My interview w Access Hollywood was not entirely about you.. they asked a question and as a mature adult I answered. I'm not gonna shy away from something that I lived through. I'm talking about my life and experiences. I'm not speaking on you or bashing you (like I easily could). Don't be mad at me because our relationship is over due to your lack of loyalty. You know what's weak?? You forcing yourself into my car.. my broken window.. blowing up my phone.. trying to shower me w gifts.. Man the fuck up and change the bs in your life like I've told you several times. Since you want to hear about my career - check out @vanityseries every Thursday on StyleHaul.com.. Emmy winning @thebaytheseries this Sept and 3 Headed Shark Attack on SyFy next month. Best of luck to you and beautiful Royalty
A photo posted by karrueche (@karrueche) on
I'm eternally thankful for you being in a part of my life. I've learned so much from you. I wish u nothing but happiness and the best. @karrueche all I was doing was trying to fight for the woman I love. ThanxI learned a lot
A photo posted by @chrisbrownofficial on
It's nice of Chris Brown to pretend to take the high road. He sure has learned a lot. Now he can add "manipulative" to "violent" on his abuser resume.
4. Netflix, because they can't get people to stop pirating 'Orange Is the New Black.'
Yeah, we can't stop watching either. (Netflix via Twitter)
Everyone knows that traditional TV ratings don't apply to Internet-based shows, which makes it hard to compare the success of shows on streaming services like Netflix. But there's a new trick for figuring out which are on top: look at how many people are stealing them.
It used to be that HBO was the undisputed king of pirated content, and they're still doing very well. Game of Thrones remains the most-pirated show in the world. Thanks to leaks, this season that just concluded was the most-stolen of the year before any of the episodes had actually aired. But now, Netflix is giving HBO a run for its money, as the smash hit series Orange Is the New Black has also been targeted by pirates in a big way.
A Google search for the show doesn't even turn up Netflix as the first result – an illegal sharing site has that honor. CNN reports that Netflix is aggressively seeking as many links to its website as possible to improve its Google ranking, but the company has an uphill battle. I suppose it could try sending online pirates to jail, but that might not be a deterrent. Thanks to Orange Is the New Black, going to prison is cooler than ever.
3. Jennifer Lopez, because she's being sued for being too sexy at a concert in Morocco.
Jennifer Lopez sued over too-sexy Morocco concert http://t.co/zZq7TcVux0 pic.twitter.com/v9iB5rR3jB
— Huffington Post (@HuffingtonPost) June 8, 2015
Jennifer Lopez looks great these days. At 45, she's basically indistinguishable from how she looked when she was 30. In fact, her looks have held up so well that she might go to jail for them.
On May 29th, Lopez performed at the opening of the Mawazine Festival in the Moroccan capital of Rabat. She wore a cleavage- and leg-baring jumpsuit, and spent much of the concert twerking and gyrating in that famous J. Lo style. Those moves may have made her famous, but in a Muslim country, they don't fly.
Religious Moroccans have taken to social media to denounce Lopez's performance, which was broadcast live on TV. One called her a “threat to the moral fabric of the Moroccan society." What's more, TMZ reports that an education group is suing Lopez, saying she "disturbed public order and tarnished women's honor and respect."
Now, the BBC is reporting that Moroccan Prime Minister Abdelilah Benkirane has also ordered an investigation into the concert. He said the fact that the concert was aired on TV was "serious deliquency," and ordered his government to "take legal measures against those responsible".
If Lopez is held responsible, she could be sentenced to two years in prison. Or to be a judge on Moroccan Idol.
2. John Stamos, because he got a DUI.
John Stamos. Photo from last week or possibly 1989. (Getty)
The thing that surprised me most about learning that John Stamos was caught drunk driving was that it hadn't happened earlier. Not that he seemed to have a problem or anything – it's just that DUIs are a rite of passage for 90s sitcom stars.
Stamos was arrested on Saturday in Beverly Hills and taken to the hospital, where he was pronounced drunk. He'll appear in court on September 11th.
It's unclear if this news will affect the Full House reboot coming to Netflix next year, but it seems unlikely. That show will be a nostalgia slam dunk, and nothing could derail it at this point. It would still happen even if it turned out Bob Saget was the Zodiac Killer, and there's NO EVIDENCE that that's the case. None at all. But it feels right, doesn't it?
1. A woman who was arrested for not returning a video she rented in 2005.
How people used to watch movies before they stole them from the Internet.
If you're old enough to have grown up with VHS tapes, you remember that video stores are not to be trifled with. If you were a minute late getting your tape back to Blockbuster, they would slap you with a fine so steep you'd never step out of line again. And they had your credit card number, too, so there was no escape. We were all basically indentured servants.
If you doubt what I'm saying, listen to this: a South Carolina woman was arrested for not returning a VHS tape she rented ten years ago, from a store that's long-since defunct. Even after their industry has been rendered irrelevant by Netflix, video stores are willing to ruin our lives from beyond the grave.
Kayla Michelle Finley was visiting her local sheriff's office on an unrelated matter when police discovered an outstanding warrant for her arrest. The warrant had been issued ten years earlier at the request of Dalton Videos, a store which has since closed. Finley had failed to return a VHS copy of the Jennifer Lopez flop Monster-in-Law.
J. Lo's dragging everyone to prison along with her. (via YouTube)
Finley was charged with a misdemeanor and had to spend the night in jail. A judge released her the next morning. The worst part of this whole episode is that she was outed for watching Monster-in-Law. That movie currently has a dismal 16% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Honestly, not returning the tape is the kindest thing she could have done. In my opinion, she deserves a humanitarian award.
Update: It's come to our attention that this last story actually happened in February 2014. Our source was fooled into thinking it was new, as were a number of other publications. We are choosing to keep it in the post for two reasons. First, it's still funny. Second, Ms. Finley is probably having a lousy Monday today, because everyone is bringing up this story again.