5. Katy Perry, because nuns don't want to sell her their convent.
What could nuns possibly object to about this? (Getty)
Katy Perry may be the highest-paid female celebrity in the world, but that doesn't mean she automatically gets everything she wants. Sometimes, she has to appeal to a higher power.
The singer is currently embroiled in a property battle with a handful of elderly nuns, an archbishop, and a powerful real estate developer. The pope may even get involved. It sounds like a joke, except they all didn't walk into a bar.
The property in question is a gorgeous hillside estate in Los Angeles with a fish-shaped pool and a view of the mountains. The complex is a former convent, but the nuns haven't lived there since 2011, and everyone agrees they should sell. The question is: to whom? Perry offered $14.5 million for it, while the developer, who wants to turn it into a hotel, offered $15.5 million. The archbishop wants to sell it to Perry (he must be a big fan), while the nuns want to sell to the developer. Perry even tried to sway the nuns with a visit and a private performance, which backfired magnificently. Sister Rita Callanan told The Guardian:
“She pulls out her phone to get the words for Oh Happy Day. I was looking at my attorney, thinking, 'What on earth?'"
4. Competitive eater Joey Chestnut, because he lost his hot dog crown.
This is what he looked like when he won. Imagine how he feels now.
Competitive eating is a cutthroat world, full of high drama and thrilling suspense, where top athletes live and die on the razor's edge of their own limits. Also, it's very disgusting.
Every July 4th, Nathan's holds its world famous Hot Dog Eating Contest on the Coney Island boardwalk. For the last eight years, the title has gone to Joey "Jaws" Chestnut. This year, however, a massive upset saw the title (and the $10,000 prize) go to 23-year-old Matt "Megatoad" Stonie.
Stonie ate 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes, beating Chestnut's count of 60. In the past, Chestnut has eaten as many as 68, but the years, and the hot dogs, have begun to take their toll. Speaking to reporters afterward, Stonie showed respect for his competitor:
"It was a tough contest. Joey brings it all. I had to push really hard to beat him. But I feel great."
Humble words from a man who can somehow eat 62 hot dogs and then feel "great."
3. A man who was fired because he said he wanted to marry his dog on Facebook.
The happy couple. (WZVN via YouTube)
You can never be too careful about what you post on social media these days. Even a harmless joke can get you fired. Or a passionate declaration of romantic love for an animal.
Ryan Uhler of Cape Coral, Florida thought he'd commemorate the Supreme Court's recent ruling that legalized gay marriage by posting a joke to Facebook. He uploaded a photo of him and his dog, along with a caption reading:
"How is marrying a dog different if you love them? Today I hope we can focus on doggy-style love. I love my dog Rocco, and he loves me. Hopefully one day we can be married."
He thought it was a pretty innocent joke, but his bosses at Grace Tax Advisory Group in Fort Myers thought differently. They drew a connection between his joke and the most clichéd conservative argument against gay marriage: "If gays can get married, what's next? Animals?" They probably made the connection because that's exactly what he was saying.
Uhler was quickly fired from his job. He insists his joke was taken out of context (which is what happens to everything that goes on Facebook), but under Florida law, he has no recourse. Not only is he unemployed, he still can't marry his dog. That's got to hurt.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger, because 'Terminator: Genisys' flopped.
Why do all these politicians think they can be action stars? (via YouTube)
If you saw the Terminator: Genisys trailer and thought the Terminator franchise had finally jumped the shark, you're wrong. It did that in 2003. But now, the series may finally have been crushed in a hydraulic press for good, because the latest film tanked at the box office.
The new film, which stars Old Schwarzenegger and Daenerys Targaryen, grossed a disappointing $28.7 million domestically in its first weekend. It failed to beat Jurassic World or Pixar's Inside Out, which are both older releases. It did, however, beat Magic Mike XXL, which was also in its opening weekend.
That, at least, should be some comfort for Arnold. He may not be able to beat dinosaurs or cartoons, but he can still take down musclemen half his age. Good for you, Governor.
1. Two women under investigation for riding a sea turtle.
Doing the horns just adds insult to injury. (Facebook via WFTV)
If you thought that guy who wanted to marry his dog was bad, check out this lady. She doesn't even want to settle down with this turtle – she just took it for a quick ride and went on her merry way. Typical female.
Over the weekend, photos of this tattooed woman and another young woman were posted to Facebook, prompting an outcry from animal lovers everywhere. The women are seen sitting on the shell of a sea turtle, having a grand old time with no concern for the animal's well-being. The photos allegedly came from Melbourne Beach, Florida, so a whistleblower posted them to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Research Institute's Facebook page. The Insitute quickly replied, saying:
"Thank you for contacting us. FWC Law Enforcement is aware of this incident and are conducting an investigation."
At least one of the women has been tracked down, and more have been questioned. These women could actually face charges, and Floridians, who love turtles, are eager to see them harshly punished. In case it doesn't sound like a big deal to you, keep in mind that sea turtle shells are not hard like a tortoise shell. They're soft and leathery, and susceptible to injury.
Also, even a giant tortoise would be endangered by this treatment. The shell evolved to keep predators from clawing at them, not to support heavy weight. Turtles aren't pack animals. Sitting on one can seriously injure it.
If I seem upset about this story, I am. I'm not only mad at these women, I'm also mad that there isn't a turtle safe to ride on. It looks fun, right? But don't do it.