5. Snoop Dogg, because he got hassled by the cops in Sweden.
On my mamas im sick and tired of the pigs. N America n these countries that jus don't respect us fuck that new me new u u do we do 2
A video posted by snoopdogg (@snoopdogg) on
With this one Instagram post, Snoop Dogg broke the heart of every Swedish fan he has, and surprisingly, that's a lot. After a concert in Uppsala, Sweden on Saturday, Snoop's car was stopped. Police suspected he was under the influence of drugs (no way), and even though he wasn't driving, he was still taken to the police station on suspicion of possession. They made him pee in a cup and searched the vehicle, but determined he was clean. (Really?)
Snoop claims he was the victim of racial profiling, but I'm not so sure of that. How many black people do Swedish cops even see? If they do profile black men, this is probably the first time they've ever had a chance to put it in practice. I do think they profiled him, not for being black, but for being Snoop Dogg. Any one of his songs would hold up in court as probable cause.
4. Ivory dealers, because Obama is coming after them.
A typical ivory dealer. (via Wikia)
President Obama is in Kenya right now, reaffirming US political ties to African governments and driving birthers crazy at the same time. In a joint press conference with Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta today, he took aim at the global ivory trade, saying:
"I can announce that we're proposing a new rule that bans the sale of virtually all ivory across state lines."
That's right. If you're profiting off the fruits of elephant poaching in the US, your free ride is over. From now on, it will be somewhat more complicated to make that happen. Red tape to the rescue!
This story sheds light on why the hell selling ivory is still legal at all in the US. Despite previous legislation to limit it, America is still the second-largest market for elephant ivory in the world after China. And considering that nearly 35,000 endangered African elephants are poached every year, this is a big deal. Do we have to make playing the piano illegal to stop it? I'm okay with that.
3. Drunks who want to pee on walls in San Francisco, because they're going to have to change their pants.
I didn't realize this was such a problem. Is that why it's called the Golden Gate Bridge?
If you want to bury my heart in San Francisco, just make sure you dig a few feet deep. The top layer is soaked straight through with urine.
Public peeing has become such a problem in San Francisco that Mohammed Nuru, the director of public works, decided to implement a drastic solution: high-tech, pee-reflecting paint. Buildings around the city are being coated with Ultra-Ever Dry, a superhydrophobic coating that repels most liquids. Public Works Department spokeswoman Rachel Gordon said that the paint causes much more of the pee to splash back at the urinator than normally would:
"The urine will bounce back on the guys pants and shoes. The idea is they will think twice next time about urinating in public."
Unless that's their fetish, in which case they'll do it much more often. The program has only just begun, but property owners around the city are clamoring to have their walls painted. The city doesn't mind, either, because the cost of applying the paint is much less than repeatedly having to steam clean the walls to eliminate the smell of urine.
The city has also added public bathrooms to curb the problem, but people aren't as excited about that. It's just not as satisfyingly vindictive.
2. Khloe Kardashian, because she just split up with Lamar and he's already hitting up strip clubs.
How many strippers would it take to replace this love? Seven?
It's only been a few days since Khloe and Lamar finalized their divorce. It's a time when most people would nurse their wounds, think about their future, and try to piece their lives back together… but not Lamar. He's up in the club, motorboating strippers (motorboating not confirmed).
TMZ is reporting that Lamar was seen in Crazy Horse 3, a Vegas strip club, where he spent a few hours conferring with three of the dancers. He also ordered bottle service during the night, but it was only Perrier. That probably hurts Khloe even more, knowing that his judgment wasn't impaired. But for all we know, she's hanging out with strippers too. And by "know" I mean "hope."
1. A bicyclist who pooped outside and started a 73-acre wildfire.
I know we already covered people going to the bathroom outside in this article, but this is an important story. Going outside can have serious ramifications even if you try to do the right thing, as one Idaho cyclist learned.
The man was biking in the Boise foothills when he stopped to take a load off in a handy ravine. (Why do you never see that on Tour de France coverage?) He didn't want to litter, so he buried the waste and lit his used toilet paper on fire. Then he extinguished it, but not well enough. The spark spread to some dry grass, and soon the whole field was ablaze. By the time the fire was suppressed, 73 acres had gone up in smoke. And you could still smell the poop.
The man came forward and confessed to police, so they haven't released his name. He will be fined, however, and may even have to pay the fire suppression costs. It's a steep price to pay for taking a dump, but when you really have to go, no price is too high.