5. Every guy who's thirsty for Caitlin Jenner, because she's only into women.
Ever since Caitlyn Jenner went public as a woman, there's been one question on everyone's minds. Actually, there have been many questions, asked with varying levels of tact. Jenner herself has refrained from weighing in for the most part, choosing to wait and explain herself in the medium with which she's most comfortable: a reality show.
Her new docu-series I Am Cait is slowly answering many of the lingering questions about her transition, and the latest episode is promising to address one of the most tantalizing: who she wants to bang. Is she into men or women? The people demanded an answer, and according to TMZ, sources say the answer is women. Caitlyn is a lesbian, just as much into women as she was when she was Bruce.
If that's disappointing to you, then I have some reassuring news: She was much too famous to hook up with you anyway. Luckily, there are many other heterosexual transwomen in the world you can date.
The promo for the next episode of I Am Cait seems to want to keep the mystery going, but if TMZ's sources are to be believed, there's no doubt. Now you don't need to watch it! Don't say we never did you any favors.
4. The people behind 'Fantastic Four,' because it flopped fantastically.
If you're keeping track, there have now been four Fantastic Four movies, and four criticial flops. To be fair, the first movie from 1994 was never meant to be released, and the next two were box office successes even if everyone hated them. The latest version, on the other hand, has no excuse.
Josh Trank's Fantastic Four reboot (stylized as Fant4stic if you really want to be sick to your stomach) raked in a dismal $26.2 million over its opening weekend. Compare that to its $120 million budget, and the movie begins to look like a scheme by Dr. Doom to destabilize the US economy (which would have been a better storyline). Even the director tried to distance himself from the movie with an impulsive tweet blaming the studio. He later deleted it, proving that even his opinion isn't immune to being rebooted.
The ones who really suffer in all of this are hardcore Fantastic Four comic book fans. At this point, it seems unlikely that the team who put Marvel Comics on the map in the 60s will ever get their due on the big screen. I guess nerds will have to settle for the other 80 superhero movies that come out every year.
3. Hundreds of foodies sickened by cilantro contaminated with poop and toilet paper.
Bad news, foodies. Cilantro found out you were sneaking around behind its back with kale, and now it's getting revenge. The FDA is investigating more than 380 cases of cyclosporiasis in more than 26 US states linked to shipments of cilantro from Puebla, Mexico.
In case you need a refresher, cyclosporiasis is an intestinal disease that causes cramps, diarrhea, nausea, and fatigue. And cilantro is coriander. Seriously, it's the same herb. Restaurants have been lying to you for years, and now you're paying the price, in the form of cramps, diarrhea, nausea, and fatigue.
If you thought you were grossed out already, wait till you hear how the greens were contaminated. While investigating cilantro producers in Puebla, the FDA found multiple locations without bathrooms or running water. Instead, it appears the fields themselves became a makeshift bathroom, because human feces and toilet paper were found among the crops. Feel free to never eat another salad after reading that.
The FDA has instituted a partial ban on cilantro from Puebla, but there's no way to be sure what's already made it to stores. What's more, washing contaminated produce may not be enough to render it safe. The only sensible option is to never eat vegetables again.
2. Ronda Rousey, because her ex threw shade at her on a podcast.
It might seem like everything is going Ronda Rousey's way these days – she's a champion, a killing machine, and a sex symbol, all at the same time. The last person to pull that off was Jack Nicklaus.
But for every successful person, there's someone out there to begrudge them every moment of it, and 98% of the time, that's an ex. Rousey's former beau, MMA fighter Brendan Schaub, was appearing on Joe Rogan's Fight Companion podcast on Saturday when the topic turned to their relationship. Asked if he would ever get back with her, Schaub said, "I'm not the man for the job." When Rogan challenged him with "not man enough," he started digging that hole deeper and deeper:
"I'm too much… She needs a guy who's gonna take a backseat, that's not me."
He went on to explain that Rousey is surrounded by yes-men and couldn't handle his radical truth bombs. Although it doesn't seem like the yes-men have steered her wrong since they broke up. So far, she hasn't responded to her ex's jabs, but considering what happened last time someone came at her publicly, I feel like her reponse won't last longer than 34 seconds.
1. A soccer player who injured himself while celebrating a goal.
HAHAHAHAHAHA when you score in the first minute and then pull up in the celebration. Chad Barrett. pic.twitter.com/LKbCPBuRYp— King (@MiraIIas) August 9, 2015
This has to be a first: an injury in soccer where you know for a fact they're not faking.
Seattle Sounders forward Chad Barrett scored a beautiful goal just 50 seconds into an MLS game against the LA Galaxy on Sunday. Everyone was shocked, and he immediately took off on a victory lap around the stadium. Then he pulled his hamstring. It was all the excitement of two full soccer games contained within the first minute of one.
Barrett, instead of rolling around on the ground in pantomime agony, sheepishly limped off the field, and was replaced in the second minute. Since then, the clip of his injury has gone viral online. Here's a wider angle:
Despite the embarrassment, Barrett should be proud. Not only did he score a great goal, he participated in what may be the first viral blooper in MLS history. Soccer has finally gone mainstream in America.