5. The cast and crew of the 'Baywatch' reboot, because Pamela Anderson says it's going to suck.
Did you know Baywatch was being rebooted? If not, are you surprised? You shouldn't be – it's a show from the 90s. They're all being rebooted these days in compliance with the Mandatory Nostalgia Act.
The new Baywatch, which is headed to the big screen, is getting a lot of hype because of the stars who are already attached: Zac Efron and Dwayne "The Sand" Johnson. But one tastemaker isn't convinced, and she just happens to be the two biggest stars of the original series.
TMZ reports that Pamela Anderson thinks the reboot is a big mistake, saying, "No one appreciates the remakes." Although she still loves the original series, she thinks its success comes from the fact that the 90s were a "simpler, sweeter time" for TV, when half-naked men and women could run in slow motion for 45 minutes and it was considered a drama. She doesn't believe the premise could work on the big screen in 2015.
Could it be she's just jealous that she wasn't offered a part? Or that she's bitter no one wants to reboot Barb Wire? It's definitely the second one.
4. A Spanish woman who was fined for shaming the police on Facebook.
Despite all the controversy surrounding the police in the US right now, they're still pretty harmless on social media. The worst they'll do is burn you. That's not the case in Spain, where a controversial new "gag law" subjects protesters to steep fines. And as it turns out, that can even apply to Facebook protests, the most ineffective form of activism in the world.
According to the Guardian, a woman from the town of Petrer in Spain was driving around when she noticed a police car parked in the handicapped spot. Irked by what she perceived as an abuse of authority, she photographed it and posted it to a Facebook page called "You're not from Petrer if…" She included the caption, "Park where you bloody well please and you won't even be fined." (She didn't actually write "bloody," but it's an English newspaper's translation from Spanish. Try to keep up.)
The important thing is that local police managed to track her down within 48 hours of the posting. In Petrer's first implementation of the Citizens Security Law, she was fined €800 (about $886). Petrer police spokesman Fernando Portillo explained that police had parked in the spot to deal with a report of a nearby case of vandalism. They felt justified in fining the woman because she had "impugned their honor."
Well done, Petrer police. You look super honorable now.
3. Miley Cyrus, because playing Hannah Montana gave her body image issues.
If you thought Miley Cyrus was the most confident person on the planet, we can't blame you. But it turns out that wall of impenetrable Mileyness is actually masking a core of deep-seated insecurity. And that insecurity stems from the very thing that made Miley famous:
being Billy Ray Cyrus's daughter playing Hannah Montana.
In a new interview with Marie Claire, Miley explained that acting on that show from such a young age messed with her brain:
"From the time I was 11, it was, 'You're a pop star! That means you have to be blonde, and you have to have long hair, and you have to put on some glittery tight thing.' Meanwhile, I'm this fragile little girl playing a 16-year-old in a wig and a ton of makeup. It was like 'Toddlers & Tiaras.' I had fucking flippers."
I'm not sure what she means by fucking flippers, but it certainly seems like she had a rough time, which isn't an unusual experience for child stars. She went on to describe how the experience eroded her sense of self:
"I was told for so long what a girl is supposed to be from being on that show. I was made to look like someone that I wasn't, which probably caused some body dysmorphia because I had been made pretty every day for so long, and then when I wasn't on that show, it was like, Who the fuck am I?"
Luckily, she eventually figured out who she is. She's fucking Miley! And she's got the pink pits to prove it. I'm sure people will be skeptical of her claims, but this is honestly the most relatable I've ever found her. Who wouldn't go a little nuts after having a childhood experience like that? Look at Bieber, he's way worse.
2. Prince William and Princess Kate, because the paparazzi are being even creepier about their kids than usual.
It's hard to feel bad for royalty in the year 2015. They're still profiting from a feudal system that's been irrelevant for generations, and they're insanely rich and beloved the world over because of the family they were born into. Then again, fame from an early age always comes with a dark side (see previous story).
For many years, the British royal family has been the subject of the most invasive paparazzi presence of anyone in the world. Now that Prince William and Princess Kate have two kids, they've gotten so concerned about it that they had their communications secretary draft an open letter to any and all tabloid photographers. The message: back the f**k off:
"A line has been crossed and any further escalation in tactics would represent a very real security risk.
All of this has left The Duke and Duchess concerned about their ability to provide a childhood for Prince George and Princess Charlotte that is free from harassment and surveillance."
You might think that a private couple who have their own communications secretary would be used to this kind of treatment, but the letter alleges that in recent months, it's gotten way worse. Photographers have been found hiding in the woods and fields near the royal home in Norfolk, and between sand dunes while Prince George, "their number one target," was playing with his grandmother. One even parked his car near a playground and hid in the trunk, which is the creepiest thing I've ever heard.
Photographers have the whole family under constant surveillance, as well as the Middleton family. Prince George can't even have a playdate with other two-year-olds without paparazzi following them home afterward. Now, Kate and William have had enough. They're asking the tabloid industry to rein it in, and trying to educate the public about the sleazy means used to acquire these photos. Will it make a difference? Only time will tell. JK, of course it won't.
1. Chinese airline passengers who have to deal with parents letting their kid poop in the aisle.
From a story about famous parents doing something responsible, here's a wild shift in direction to parents doing the craziest, most horrible thing I've seen all week. In two separate instances in the past nine days, parents have allowed their children to go to the bathroom on Chinese planes without actually going to the bathroom.
The first case, as seen in the photo above, happened last Saturday on a flight from Zhengzhou to Nantong, when a child relieved himself between the seats during the descent. The photo was posted to Weibo, China's answer to Facebook. It's a pretty gross image, but at least that kid waited until the flight was almost over, unlike in this next case.
This one happened just yesterday. These parents brought their child to the back of the plane to defecate… before the plane had even taken off. But if you think that's the most galling part of the story, you're not dreaming big enough. A passenger complained to the parents that both of the bathrooms on the plane were vacant at the time, and they responded that those bathrooms were too small. Only the open cabin of the plane was big enough for a small child to poop in.
Please remember this story the next time you encounter obnoxious parents. It could always be worse.