5. Mel Gibson, because he raged out at a paparazzo again.
Remember when Mel Gibson was a beloved movie star instead of a notorious racist rageoholic? If you do, then Mel Gibson isn't doing his job. It seems like it's his mission to destroy his own reputation with bizarre outbursts.
This particular incident went down in Australia. TMZ reports that Kristi Miller, a paparazzo for the Daily Telegraph, was taking pictures of Mel and his girlfriend (who probably has it rough enough), when suddenly…
"I turned around [and] he shoved my back really hard ... It shocked me because I wasn’t expecting it. I don't know if it was his hands or elbow."
She also said that Mel "was spitting in my face as he was yelling at me, calling me a dog, saying I’m not even a human being and I will go to hell."
Maybe he's getting gentle in his old age? He didn't even call her "sugar tits" or mention the Jewish conspiracy. Mel's lawyer is denying that he touched her or shouted anything, and Australian police are investigating. We may never know what happened: this story is a real "he screamed/she said."
4. Megan Fox, because she's going to have to pay up in her divorce.
Last week, we told you about how Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green's extremely attractive marriage was ending after 5 ridiculously good-looking years. Fox filed for divorce on Friday, and the messy particulars are already being leaked to the press. Here are those particulars in all their messiness.
TMZ is reporting that Fox will likely have to pay spousal support to Green because she makes so much more money than him. He'll still be raking in his piece of those Ninja Turtle royalties years down the road. What's more, the amount Fox will have to pay will likely be hiked up because of Green's dismal potential for future income, the reasons for which are actually really sad.
Last December, Fox and Green were both in a nasty car wreck when their vehicle was struck by a drunk driver. Apparently, Green has suffered from vertigo ever since, preventing him from working at all. That also explains why he and Fox are still living in the same house. Let's hope he gets well soon so he can move out and star in a Battletoads movie. That would show her he's moved on.
3. A Florida woman who claimed she was kidnapped to get out of work.
Everyone has lied to get out of work before. The problem is that after you do it a few times, you stop getting those precious pity points. That's when you have to up the game and do what Beverly F. Brooks of Panama City, Florida did.
Brooks, a 43-year-old nursing assistant, was working a night shift when she didn't return from her break. Concerned, a coworker called the police at 2:30 AM, launching a search that lasted hours and involved five different law enforcement agencies. When the coworker called Brooks to ask if she needed a ride back to work, Brooks claimed that her boyfriend, 35-year-old James Vincent Hill Fennell, Jr., was holding her against her will and wouldn't let her return. Fennell could be heard on the call, forbidding her from getting out of the car. Definitely a scary situation.
At least, that's what police thought. They widened their search, and that's when they found Brooks and Fennell chilling on the street like it was no big deal. Brooks didn't appear to be in any distress, and when questioned by police, admitted that she made up the story because she didn't want to go back to work.
The News Herald reports that Brooks and her beau were both arrested on misdemeanor counts of false report of a crime. You have to give her points for creativity, but not for follow-through. Unless the call was real, and she just lied to the police to protect her boyfriend. In which case this story is a lot less fun.
2. Christian vlogger Sam Rader, because he's clearly in some sort of spiral.
Sam Rader is a Christian vlogger who, along with his wife, runs the extremely popular YouTube channel Sam & Nia. The two post videos of their #blessed life as godly, attractive people with attractive kids. Also, they look slightly unhinged.
Formerly a nurse, Sam recently quit to devote himself full-time to vlogging. Shortly thereafter, his channel reached new heights with a viral clip of him stealing his wife's pee out of the toilet and running a pregnancy test. He surprised her with the news that she was pregnant and promptly broke the Internet. Days later, the two tearfully announced that they had lost the baby, receiving an outpouring of sympathy, as well as allegations that the entire thing had been fake. But now, nobody even remembers that.
Last week, it was revealed that Sam had an Ashley Madison account for cheating on Nia. After hackers exposed him, he confessed. It seems his emotions are still running high over the incident, because over the weekend, he got into an altercation with another vlogger at a vlogging conference and was thrown out for threatening to get violent.
What a rollercoaster month it's been for this unnervingly intense man. Vlogger/musician Meghan Tonjes, who was also present, put it best in this tweet:
Sam and his entire family are asking for privacy in this difficult time. Just kidding, that's the last thing they want.
1. Oh, and stockbrokers, because the economy is imploding or something.
It's not as big a story as the vlogger who got in a fight, but this story is still worth reporting. Stock markets around the world are crashing today in an event that's been dubbed Black Monday. NBC News reports that The Down Jones Industrial Average dropped more than 1,000 points in the first few seconds of trading today, and has picked up only a fraction of that in the hours since.
The problem stems from China, which has been having serious economic woes recently. The country devalued its currency two weeks ago, causing a crisis of confidence among financial experts the world over that just couldn't be settled by buying another Ferrari. A cascade of major stock sell-offs followed in Europe, and today, in the United States.
In case you're worried this crash is as big as the financial meltdown of 2008, don't be. Nothing could be as catastrophic as that disaster, which will probably negatively affect us all for the rest of our lives. In comparison, this was just a moderate debacle. To explain the difference, University of Michigan economist Justin Wolfers made this chart of the S&P 500 over the past 10 years.
As you can see, today's plunge is nothing compared the the one in 2008. Markets are already bouncing back, and America's financial leaders will definitely find some way to use this as justification to collect more wealth into the hands of the top 0.001% and further destroy the middle class. So relax.