5. An 18-year-old model who was drugged at Justin Bieber's party.
On Saturday night, Justin Bieber was hanging out at a recording studio in Australia for a "listening party" (shudder), where he and his crew were drinking some juice and chilling with teenage models like they do. One of the models, 18-year-old Bailey Scarlett, poured herself a vodka and lemonade and left it unattended for a crucial moment before coming back to it. Soon after, she became woozy and suffered from blurred vision, at which point Biebs himself came over to comfort her, reportedly asking if she had caught "Bieber Fever." Smooth, dude.
The cops were called and Scarlett was taken to the hospital. Later, she chronicled the whole event in a lengthy social media post she has since deleted, citing legal reasons. And those concerns are wise – Team Bieber and the studio are doing everything they can to discredit her claims. The studio's owner claims he has surveillance video showing that the drink was undisturbed the entire time, but he hasn't shown the tape to anyone. The event organizer, meanwhile, says he thinks Scarlett was having a panic attack. Sounds like a conspiracy to us.
4. Honey Boo Boo, because her house is being demolished.
You may remember Honey Boo Boo as the child beauty pageant contestant turned reality TV star whose mother started dating a sex offender just like everyone feared she would. That unfortunate incident led to the show's cancellation last year, but that didn't stop Honey Boo Boo, her Mama June, and the rest of their mordbily dysfunctional family from being rich and famous. In fact, they've moved on from the modest surroundings that made them so endearing on TV.
Case in point: their modest McIntyre, Georgia home, which was made famous in the show, is being demolished. The current owner listed the property back in June for $45,000 – well above market value – in the hopes that its notoriety would bump up its wow factor. But it turns out that even the biggest fans of the show weren't interested in the home if it didn't have real live redneck stereotypes living inside, and he had no takers. Now he's leveling it to the ground to put up new construction.
Which reality show, if any, will film in the new space? We hope it's Hoarders.
3. A farmer whose prize 100-pound pumpkin was stolen.
Matthew Murraine of Spearfish, South Dakota decided to put his green thumb to the test this year by growing some "Big Max" pumpkins – a cultivar famous for being really big. And he was doing well, too. One of his two specimens had grown to 100 pounds and 2 feet in diameter. He had invested money in them, too, because these babies each needed a cool 20 gallons of water every four days as well as a gallon of milk per week, for the calcium. It was like raising enormous orange children.
But now, one of Murraine's children is gone. On Friday night, some gourd bandits pulled off what was clearly a planned heist and made off with the larger of his pumpkins. The thieves left no trace, leaving Murraine, and the local children to whom he had promised the pumpkin, with nothing. He told the Black Hills Pioneer that he just wishes he could shame the culprits for their misdeed:
“I want them to felt guilty about taking them from kids. I want them to till foliage back into [the] ground when done growing so it is ready for next year.”
He also wants them to know that the pumpkin was still a month away from being ready to harvest. Its insides are unripe and ill-suited for pies. What's more, it would be unwieldy to carve, making it useless for jack-o-lanterns. Not that the thieves would have been likely to do that – there's no evidence more conspicuous than a 100-pound flaming pumpkin head on your front porch.
2. Kanye West, because the cops broke up his after-party before he even got there.
Kanye rocked the house at the Hollywood Bowl on Saturday, and expected to celebrate the way he always does – with a star-studded after-party featuring plenty of beautiful celebrities and hedonistic pleasures. He probably would have spent the whole time sulking anyway, but that's how he has fun.
This time, however, it wasn't in the cards. The party, which was held at a fancy schmancy Beverly Hills estate, became too rowdy too early, and was shut down by the cops before Kanye even got there. It must have been terrifying for him to drive up to a quiet house. He probably thought he had been transported to an alternate reality where he never recorded Through the Wire – his greatest fear.
1. A family whose garage was smashed by a falling 24-pound package of marijuana from the sky.
We know what you're thinking: is this '5 people having a better Monday than you?' Because having a lifetime (or if you're Snoop, week-long) supply of weed fall from the sky onto your home sounds like the best thing that could possibly happen to you. But not in this case.
Maya Donnelly and her family were asleep in their home in Nogales, Arizona, just a few hundred yards from the Mexican border, when they were awoken by an enormous crash. What they found was a large hole in the roof of their garage. Beneath it, their beloved German Shepherd Hulk's doghouse was smashed into oblivion.
Luckily, Hulk wasn't inside. Instead, there was a sealed bundle containing 23.8 pounds of marijuana, valued at approximately $9,500. A worthy replacement for a dog house, right? Unfortunately, the Donnellys did the right thing (ugh) and reported the incident to the police, who confiscated the drugs. Evidence from the package suggests that it was taped to a plane for easy smuggling across the border and had come loose. Those Mexican cartels just don't pay attention to detail like they used to.
Meanwhile, Maya and her family are left with no doghouse, a hole in their roof, and no weed. Not a great Monday for them. But you know what would make it better? Some weed.