5. Serena Williams, because Drake was seen with another woman.
For one of the most accomplished women and top athletes in the world, Serena Williams hasn't had all the victories she was due this year. First she didn't win a Grand Slam after she was knocked out in the U.S. Open finals by some lady. And now, the man she's denied dating is dating someone else.
Canadian rapster Drake, who made headlines by rooting for Serena at the Open in a sensual way, was seen canoodling with another beautiful, powerfully-built woman at a nightclub called The Nice Guy in West Hollywood. That woman is Instagram model Ravie Loso.
Drake definitely has a type. Of course, both he and Serena denied there was anything between them even after they were caught making out in a restaurant, so maybe this isn't such a big deal. Or maybe Drake and Ravie will be found with tennis rackets smashed over their heads. We'll keep you posted.
4. Charlie Sheen, because he was thrown out of a bar in a headlock.
Did you really think that when Charlie Sheen showed up in the news again, it would be for anything good? If you did, take off those rose-tinted glasses. It's time to splash your face with some cold reality.
Everyone's favorite trainwreck was hanging out in a bar in Orange Country, CA on Saturday night when things got hectic. He was just drinking in his sleeveless whiskey t-shirt and cargo shorts, taking good-natured pictures with fans, when a woman started taking a video of him on her phone. Obviously, she stepped over the line. Sheen slapped the phone out of the woman's hand, breaking it. Then the bouncer grabbed the 50-year-old actor, put him in a wrestling-style headlock, and removed him from the premises. TMZ got the video:
As you can see, Charlie took the whole thing in stride. He volunteered to shake the bouncer's hand, and apologized before his driver took him home. Because if there's one skill Charlie Sheen has mastered over the past few years, it's how to make a scene and then exit gracefully.
3. An armed robber who tried to use Uber for his getaway car.
23-year-old Dashawn Terrell Cochran held up a store outside Baltimore last Wednesday and made off with a fat wad of cash. Evidently, it was enough for him to spring for that greatest luxury of urban living: an Uber. Cochran was seen getting into the back of a silver Lexus shortly after the robbery. When cops pulled the vehicle over, the driver identified himself as an Uber driver. Evidently, he had no idea he was an accomplice to a crime—a first for any Uber employee.
Police arrested Cochran and charged him with armed robbery, first-degree assault, second-degree assault, and theft of less than $1,000. The driver and a second passenger were let off after police determined they weren't involved with the robbery. Which raises an interesting question: there was another passenger?! This guy robbed a store and then went with the carpool option? He deserves whatever's coming to him.
2. Randy Quaid, because he was arrested trying to cross the border from Canada.
Back in 2010, Randy and Evi Quaid were charged with felony vandalism in California after they were found squatting in a guest house that they had previously owned. Skipping out on several court dates, they fled to Canada, where they have remained fugitives from U.S. justice ever since. In the meantime, the cold weather and incessant friendliness of Canada have only worn down their tenuous grip on sanity, leading to increasingly weird reports of Quaid behaviors filtering across the border. This pattern culminated this past March when a sex tape leaked to the Internet of Randy having sex with Evi from behind while she wore a mask of Rupert Murdoch's face. It's an obscure genre of pornography, except in Australia.
Now, however, their extremely mild crime spree may be at an end. The Quaids were arrested over the weekend trying to cross the border from Quebec into Vermont. Unfortunately, they were recognized immediately because he's Randy F**king Quaid. They are currently being held on $500,000 bond each. That's a lot of Vacation DVDs.
1. A drunk driver who claimed that his dog was driving.
A Florida man who led police on a high-speed chase while drunk decided to achieve a Bad Decision Trifecta by using the same tactic as somebody who just farted: blame it on the dog.
26-year-old Reliford Cooper III was speeding when police tried to pull him over last Wednesday. Instead of complying, he blew through a stop sign, drove through two ditches, and finally crashed into an occupied home. Fleeing the vehicle on foot, he tried to hide in the bathroom of a Pentecostal church, but was chased out by the parishioners and arrested. All in all, not a great day.
At first, Cooper taunted the cops, telling them they were "slow as f**k," but then he changed his tune and denied he had been driving the car at all. He explained,
My dog was driving that car, I ran cause I wanted to. You ain’t gonna find no drugs or guns on me.
Considering that he smelled of booze and marijuana and that he's an ex-con with multiple assault and burglary raps, that probably won't be much help. He's currently locked up on $21,120 bond. His story is a valuable lesson to anybody who enjoys a drink now and then: always get a designated driver, but make sure they're a human. Otherwise, just get an Uber. Unless you're robbing a store. You know what? Just play it by ear.