5. Chris Christie, because he was kicked off the Amtrak quiet car for being a loud jackass.
Who can blame Chris Christie for being stressed? The former presumptive Republican presidential candidate is now polling at a dismal 3%. But although we're used to him lashing out, there are some spaces too sacred for even him to violate. Chief among them is the Amtrak quiet car.
Sources report that Christie boarded an Amtrak train from D.C. to New Jersey on Sunday morning with two security men, already chewing them out for mixing up his seating arrangements. Holding a McDonald's smoothie, the governor took his seat just before the train pulled out, and immediately began making phone calls. The calls may very well have related to his presidential campaign, because a witness claims he kept repeating the phrases "this is frickin' ridiculous" and "Seriously? Seriously?" That same witness grabbed this lovely Instagram shot of the incident:
After a few minutes and a number of passenger complaints, a conductor came to remind Christie that he was in the quiet car. To his credit, he seemed to have no idea, and quickly moved to another car where he could be as loud as he wanted to (which is plenty). He only stopped long enough to berate his security for seating him in the quiet car. His spokeswoman Samantha Smith later issued this statement:
On a very full train this morning, the Governor accidentally took a seat in Amtrak’s notorious quiet car. After breaking the cardinal rule of the quiet car, the Governor promptly left once he realized the serious nature of his mistake and enjoyed the rest of his time on the train from the cafe car. Sincere apologies to all the patrons of the quiet car that were offended.
Will Quiet Cargate tarnish his legacy as much as Bridgegate? No, but he's finished anyway.
4. Adam Lambert, because Demi Lovato ditched him on her tour for Nick Jonas.
There's trouble in Gorgeous Pop Star Paradise. Adam Lambert was supposed to accompany Demi Lovato on her upcoming tour, and everyone was excited. But unexpectedly, TMZ reported on Friday that instead of Lambert, she would be joined by none other than Nick Jonas. If you don't know who any of those people are, congratulations on being old.
No explanation was provided for the switch, and speculation ran wild, including from TMZ. Did the pop royals have bad blood? Both Lambert and Lovato took to Twitter over the weekend to establish (perhaps too eagerly) that there were no hard feelings:
But the question remains: is TMZ's story inaccurate, or was it a little too accurate? The world may never know, which is good because the truth is probably boring, and speculating is more fun.
3. Bacon lovers, because cured pork gives you cancer.
Hopefully you had a nice day so far, because after hearing this news, you may never be happy again. A new report from the World Health Organization claims that bacon and other processed meats cause cancer.
What exactly does this mean for your lifestyle? In short: it's over. The WHO's report states that all smoked, salted, or preserved meats increase the risk of bowel cancer, including "bacon, sausages, hot dogs, salami, corned beef, beef jerky and ham as well as canned meat and meat-based sauces." Basically, everything you live for.
This decision also places bacon in the same category as other proven carcinogens, including cigarettes, alcohol, and plutonium. So say goodbye to those bacon/booze/cigar/plutonium parties. They're a blast, but the risk is too great.
2. Hospital workers who were fired for taking pictures of Lamar Odom while he was in critical condition.
Thankfully, Lamar Odom has made a miraculous recovery since his near-fatal brothel binge in Nevada. For a period of days, the media and fans everywhere were left wondering if he would pull through. Everyone was on the edge of their seats, except the workers at the hospital where he was being treated, apparently. They were busy trying to take photos of his comatose body to sell to the tabloids. Yeesh.
TMZ is reporting that several staffers at Las Vegas's Sunrise Hospital, where Odom was first treated, were fired after administrators learned that they attempted to take photos of him when he was still in critical condition. They also tried to access his medical records, which is a clear violation of HIPAA regulations. Sunrise issued this statement:
We take all patient privacy very seriously and follow all HIPAA policies in compliance with federal regulations.
Odom has since moved to Cedars-Sinai in L.A., where TMZ reports he's under constant security. Now the only people who can get to him are his family — i.e. all of the Kardashians. May God have mercy on his soul.
1. A guy dressed as Chewbacca who was arrested for campaigning for Darth Vader.
This story is truly the cherry on top of a bad Monday sundae. It comes to us from a galaxy far, far away, AKA Ukraine.
On Sunday, a man dressed as Chewbacca from Star Wars was arrested for campaigning for a candidate running for mayor of Odessa. That candidate's legal name? Darth Vader. Here's video of the arrest, showing how many human cops it takes to subdue the mighty strength of a Wookiee:
Despite how weird this story is, the reason Chewie was arrested is surprisingly pedestrian. Apparently there's a law in Ukraine against campaigning for a political candidate on election day. Is that worth going to jail for? If you're a big enough Star Wars fan, absolutely.
Chewie was taken to court, where he was fined the equivalent of $7.50 (converted from Ukrainian hyrvinias/Galactic credits). However, he claimed that his bank has no branches on this planet, which may put him in trouble. That and the fact that he wouldn't take off his costume in court.
It's all worth it for that photo. It's great to see democracy blooming in Ukraine. Next step, the galaxy.