5. Taylor Swift, because she's being sued for stealing the lyrics to "Shake It Off."
At first glance, it seems like T. Swift has everything going for her—her albums are huge hits, she's beloved around the world, her squad now includes 30% of the world's population… but all that success just makes her more of a target. Case in point: she's being sued for $43 million for stealing lyrics.
Singer Jessie Braham, who contrary to what you're thinking is a real person, claims that Swift stole the chorus of her megahit "Shake It Off" from his 2013 track "Haters Gone Hate" (released under the name Jesse Graham for God knows why).
Here are the contested lines. Swift sings:
Cause the players gonna play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate
Whereas Braham sings:
Haters gone hate, playas gone play. Watch out for them fakers, they'll fake you everyday.
Those are pretty similar. It would be very damning if it weren't for the fact that it was already a cliché many years before either of them said it. While it's unlikely Braham will ever see a dime from this lawsuit, it will at least bring some attention to his nonexistent music career. If you want to be complicit in this desperate scheme, give a listen to his song below. It will only make you feel worse for him.
4. Mr. Met, because his team lost the World Series.
Despite his omnipresent smile, everyone knows Mr. Met is a deeply depressed mascot. Not only is his head too big to fit in a revolving door, his team has been the punchline of the MLB for a generation. This year, the Mets had a chance to break that streak and win the World Series for the first time since 1986, thus rubbing sweet redemption in the faces of everyone who ever doubted them (a lot of faces), but alas, it was not to be. Last night, the Kansas City Royals took down the Mets in Game 5, winning with a decisive 4-1 record.
Now that his dreams have been dashed for at least another year, if not another 29, what is Mr. Met supposed to do with himself? Will he return to his regular off-season gig as a practice target for snipers in training? Will he even have the stomach to work? Let's hope so.
In the end, it may be for the best that his team didn't win. Mr. Met's plunky determinism in the face of adversity has always been the secret to his popularity. And nobody wants to see him get a swell head.
3. A drunk woman who broke into a zoo to pet a tiger and was bitten.
It's a tragedy that no one could have foreseen. Or, to be more accurate, anyone could have foreseen unless they were really, really drunk. As drunk as Jacqueline Eide of Omaha, for example.
On Halloween night, the 33-year-old Eide got hammered enough that she decided she needed to pet a tiger (they're so soft!), and she knew just where to get it. She broke into the Omaha Henry Doorly Zoo and made it into the tiger cage, where she came face-to-face with Mai, an 18-year-old Malayan tiger. She tried to pet Mai, and Mai bit her. Because she's a goddamn tiger.
Eide was taken to the hospital with severe hand injuries. She may even lose fingers, which is ironic because Mai is missing a leg. Did the tiger bite her so that she wouldn't feel so alone in her disability? No, she did it because she's a goddamn tiger. And tigers have no time for drunk morons, goddammit.
2. Bradley Cooper, because his movie Burnt went up in flames at the box office.
You may have seen a commercial for the new Bradley Cooper vehicle Burnt in the past few weeks and though, "Maybe I'll go see that." But guess what? You didn't! No one did.
Burnt, a drama starring Cooper as a troubled chef (oy), came in 5th at the box office with $5 million in ticket sales, nearly $1 million less than Hotel Transylvania 2. Does this signal a faltering of B. Coop's box office power? Let's hope not, because it'll be another year and a half until he has another chance to voice a highly-profitable raccoon.
Meanwhile, he wasn't the only big star to suffer this weekend. Sandra Bullock's political satire Our Brand Is Crisis only raked in $3.4 million in its opening weekend, although that was a much lower-budget picture. So they knew it was going to fail.
Here's the trailer for Burnt, if you want to have a flashback to that Jessie Braham song from before:
1. A prosecutor who was suspended for threatening to shoot Halloween decorations that were too scary.
Chris White, an assistant prosecutor in Logan Country, West Virginia, had an extreme reaction to some festive spider decorations placed around his office for the Halloween season. While many people would roll their eyes and grimace at the tackiness of things like that, White took it further. He whipped out his gun and started threatening to shoot the little bastards.
Witnesses report that White told his coworkers he was "deathly afraid of spiders" before producing the weapon, so it's not like they didn't have warning. He also assured them after the fact that the gun wasn't loaded, but to no avail—weeks after the incident, he was suspended by his boss, Prosecuting Attorney John Bennett. Bennett was still receiving complaints about White's behavior, just because it was totally psycho.
Although White, as a public servant, should be held to a higher standard, his actions are understandable. For one, he has a phobia, which can make anyone act irrationally. And also, he brought the Halloween spirit to that office like never before. Let's face it: cheesy spider and witch decorations are never actually scary. But a wild-eyed coworker brandishing a gun and screaming about shooting those things into little plasticky bits? That's a classic Halloween fright!