5. David Hasselhoff, because his ex-wife keeps hassling the Hoff for alimony.
Although it's easy to think of David Hasselhoff as an immortal, hairy-chested sex god, he's getting older. His days of running shirtless on the beach and driving talking cars are well behind him, and that famously hairy chest has long since turned gray (probably his back, too). The man is 63, and he's looking to retire. But as he told a judge, his ex-wife is making that impossible.
According to legal documents found by TMZ, Hasselhoff is asking a judge to terminate his alimony requirements to ex-wife Pamela Bach. The two have been divorced for almost 10 years, during which time David has had to Hoff up a whopping $21,000 every month. He claims Bach has made no effort to become self-sufficient, and the financial burden of supporting her is making it impossible for him to retire, at least while maintaining his lifestyle. What a Hassel.
How many more unbearable Baywatch reboots will it take before this man can stop working? This is no longer a domestic issue—the world needs David Hasselhoff to retire. Please judge, think of the children.
4. Rosario Dawson, because she was arrested for her beliefs.
Rosario Dawson is more than just an actress who appears on Marvel's Daredevil (which kicks ass by the way)—she's also a devoted activist with her fingers in a variety of philanthropic pies. Recently, she's become a passionate supporter of presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, because she shares his favorite cause of taking big money out of politics. What's more, she'll sit wherever she has to to get that message across. Her butt is that committed.
On Friday, Dawson attended a "Democracy Spring" rally on Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. She and a group of fellow protesters crossed police lines to stage a sit-in, leading them to be threatened with arrests. They declined to move, and so all of them, including Dawson, were detained. She spoke to The Young Turks after the incident:
Rosario Dawson Arrested at #Democracy Spring
HD footage of Rosario Dawson's arrest at #DemocracySpring — TYT is the only place you will find this.... Actress Rosario Dawson joined the #DemocracySpring protests at the US Capitol on April 15, 2016, day five of the historic protests which have seen nearly 900 civil disobedience arrests in 5 days of nonviolent direct action. A coalition of activists are protesting the corrupting influence of money in politics and the systematic violation of voting rights as decreed by the US Supreme Court, and carried out by elected officials they feel are beholden to monied interests and not to their constituents. Video by Eric BylerPosted by The Young Turks on Friday, April 15, 2016
Police only held Dawson briefly and fined her $50. So there was sadly no need for Daredevil to rescue her from custody, possibly getting involved in a badass hallway fight in the process. That would have been awesome, though.
3. A guy who broke the world record for binge-watching and almost lost his mind.
Binge-watching is the new normal for consuming television. People around the world will regularly sit down for a straight eight-hour session watching Daredevil (or lesser shows that don't involve people fighting in hallways). But how much is too much? One Brooklyn man set out to answer that question last week, and nearly went mad in the process.
25-year-old Alejandro ‘AJ’ Fragoso set an official Guinness World Record last week by binge-watching TV for 94 hours straight. In an event sponsored by software company CyberLink, Fragoso and several other contestants set out to watch as much TV as they could, including bingeing favorites like Game of Thrones, Battlestar Galactica, and Bob's Burgers. All of the other contestants crapped out after mere days in front of the tube, but Fragoso had the right stuff. By the time he could take no more, he had shattered the previous world record by two hours. He is now officially the most talented TV watcher in the world.
But all that TV took its toll. By the end, doctors found his heart rate was elevated, and he was reporting visual hallucinations. There are periods of the event he doesn't remember. And his butt probably hurts, but that's speculation. How could it not hurt though?
2. George Clooney, because Bernie Sanders is misquoting him.
George Clooney and Rosario Dawson have something in common—Bernie Sanders getting them in trouble. But at least Dawson supports him. Clooney is all about Hillary Clinton, but that's not saving him from getting Berned.
Clooney and Sanders first got into it a few weeks ago, when Sanders claimed that the amount of money Clooney was raising for Clinton at campaign events was "obscene" (although he added that he's a fan, like that helps). Then, during an interview on Meet the Press, Clooney was asked if he agrees that individuals paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for seats at a fundraiser is obscene. He replied:
Yes. I think it’s an obscene amount of money. I think – you know that we had some protesters last night when we pulled up in San Francisco and they’re right to protest, they’re absolutely right, it is an obscene amount of money … The Sanders campaign when they talk about it is absolutely right. It’s ridiculous that we should have this kind of money in politics. I agree, completely.
He went on to explain why he would still participate:
We need to take the Senate back because we need to confirm a Supreme Court justice, because that fifth vote on the Supreme Court can overturn Citizens United and get this obscene, ridiculous amount of money out so I never have to do a fundraiser again.
So he feels that fundraisers are, for now, a necessary evil (like starring in Batman and Robin). But that latter part was conveniently left out of an email sent to supporters by the Sanders campaign:
Sanders fundraising off Clooney MTP interview, leaving out what he said re: electing Democrats and money... pic.twitter.com/66o6Y3PUnC— Dan Merica (@danmericaCNN) April 17, 2016
Is the Democratic race finally turning dirty? No, that happened months ago.
1. A drunk kid who was arrested for spraying fart juice on bar patrons.
After all that politics, it must be a relief to read the words "fart juice." Take a second to soak it in, then enjoy the saga of Blake Zengo.
20-year-old Zengo, a University of Georgia student, was arrested at an Athens, GA bar after patrons complained that he was spraying them with a bottle of fart-scented liquid. He sprayed one woman in the eye (ouch), leading her to report the incident to police, who found Zengo standing in the bar's patio area, clearly intoxicated.
The young fartist was charged with disorderly conduct, public intoxication, and underage possession or consumption of alcohol. He was taken to Clarke County Jail and released on a $1,500 bond less than two hours later. He probably didn't want to spend any longer in prison than he had to. Fart-sprayers don't do well in lockup.
As for the bar, it lost its business for the night, as the customers all fled the powerful odor. It'll be a long time before Zengo shows his face there again, no matter what novelty product he gets his hands on.
He'll always be the Fart Kid. Memories like that tend to linger.