5. Bill O'Reilly, because his past is coming back to grope him.
Two weeks ago, Bill O'Reilly had it made. He had the top-rated show on the top-rated cable news network in the US. He was the golden boy of Fox News. Also, his BFF was the president. It seemed like nothing could bring down this red-faced, potato-headed juggernaut. But then it turned out he was a perv.
On April 1, The New York Times published an article detailing the $13 million Fox News and O'Reilly have paid to silence sexual harassment allegations against the anchor. The money was paid to five different women, all of whom worked with O'Reilly during his years at the network.
The allegations follow a similar pattern—he would take young, ambitious women under his wing, promising to help their careers. Then he would try to have sex with them. They would say no, because of their ethics and his personality/face, and then he would abandon them. Also, sometimes he would call them and breathe heavily into the phone. Yuck.
When the Times article first dropped, it seemed like these allegations wouldn't hurt him—the cases were closed, and his fans stood by him. Everyone thought he would pull a Trump and get away with it, effectively grabbing this controversy by the p****y. But then major advertisers started dropping his show one by one: BMW, LegalZoom, Lexus, Invisalign, Mercedes Benz, even Jenny Craig. JENNY CRAIG!
All in all, more than 35 companies have pulled their ads from The O'Reilly Factor. And now that their pocketbooks are hurting, Fox News is finally taking notice. On Sunday, the network released said it will investigate a brand-new sexual harassment claim against O'Reilly. Could Mr. Bill be on the outs at the network he helped build? If so, let's just hope he handles it with his trademark grace and calm.
4. Janet Jackson, because she's single again.
Janet Jackson has never needed a man to make her happy, because she's Janet f***ing Jackson. But still, we were happy to see her finally settle down with a nice Qatari billionaire, Wissam Al Mana, in 2012. They were even blessed with a miracle this January, when the 50-year-old Jackson gave birth to her first child. But sadly, while their son will continue to brighten their days forever, their marriage is over. E! News has confirmed that they are getting divorced.
So what are Janet's plans now that she's going back to being Miss Jackson (if you're nasty)? She's apparently settling in London, where she will be raising her son. Outside of that, she'll continue touring as one of the world's most beloved divas, just like she has for the past 35 years. I mean, this is a woman who escaped the shadow of her famous family to become a self-sufficient superstar for decades. And THEN she decided to become a mom at 50. She'll be fine.
3. Mariah Carey, because she's single too.
These are dark days in Diva World. Only five months after starting a relationship with her 33-year-old backup dancer Bryan Tanaka, Mariah Carey has cut the young man off. According to TMZ, Tanaka was tired of being "disrespected" by Carey's cordial relationship with her ex (and the father of her twins) Nick Cannon.
The dancer went mad with jealousy after Carey and Cannon took their kids to the Kids' Choice Awards together—which, for the record, would have been a weird thing to bring Tanaka to. He even demanded she come home during the event. Apparently, Tanaka would lash out at Carey for being a good mom by hitting on other women in front of her. This behavior, combined with his penchant for buying expensive bling on her dime, was a recipe for an epic Carey-style dumping.
Honestly, Tanaka should have seen this coming. Carey made a major scene out of her breakup with her last guy, Australian billionaire James Packer. (What is it with pop divas and billionaires? Oh wait, money.) When Packer broke off his engagement to Carey, she edited him out of her reality show and recut the footage to look like she was dumping him—for Tanaka.
If Carey was willing to burn her bridge with a billionaire in spectacular fashion, why would she tolerate her mooching backup dancer telling her not to spend time with her kids? This guy is lucky she didn't put a hit out on his dumb ass. Speaking of which…
2. An NRA employee who accidentally shot himself during a training exercise.
NBC Washington reports that a clumsy employee of the National Rifle Association had a slight mishap during a firearms training session at the organization's headquarters in Fairfax County, Virginia last Thursday. While trying to safely holster his weapon, the 46-year-old accidentally shot himself in the leg. He was taken to the hospital and treated for a minor wound.
On the plus side, everyone who was there was given a first-hand demonstration of how NOT to holster a gun. And at least the NRA hasn't been responsible for blocking any and all gun safety legislation in Congress for decades. Oh wait.
1. This guy whose tent was invaded by a stubborn skunk.
Are you a fan of camping? Well, you won't be after watching this. A man hiking the Appalachian Trail near Cowrock, Georgia in March had a rude awakening when he realized he was sharing his tent with a bag-hungry skunk. And as you can see from his video, this stinky little freak wasn't taking "Get outta here!" for an answer.
The hiker said:
I was hiking the Appalachian trail in Georgia and a freezing snow storm came up, so I put up my tent, got in and around one o'clock in the morning, a skunk came up to get warm. He tried to get in my backpack, then he tried to drag it away after I kept shooing him off. He bit me later and I just got my last rabies shot today!
This skunk is the biggest menace since Pepé le Pew's attempted sex crimes.