5. Geraldo Rivera, because he got burned by John Oliver.
On Sunday's episode of Last Week Tonight, host John Oliver took aim at one of his favorite targets: Fox News. Lambasting the cable network for glorifying the recent bomb attack in Afghanistan, Oliver played a clip from Fox & Friends that featured footage of the "mother of all bombs" dropping on Afghanistan while Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" blared in the background. It was quite a moment.
In the clip, special guest Geraldo Rivera said, "One of my favorite things in 16 years at Fox News is watching bombs drop on bad guys." Oliver responded:
That’s a coincidence because one of my favorite things in four seasons on this show is getting to look into the camera and say, "F**k you Geraldo, I hope your mustache gets caught in a box fan."
Ouch. Of course, Oliver should have known that Rivera never backs down from a threat on his mustache.
Good point, Geraldo. Maybe if it's such a serious story, it would be more tasteful not to turn it into a music video. On the news.
4. Drake, because he got racially profiled at Coachella.
Rapper/turtleneck model Drake is currently soaking up the California desert sun at the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, along with every other celebrity on the planet. Perhaps organizers were hoping Drake would bring some much-needed credibility to help shake the festival's longstanding association with cultural appropriation, privilege, and dumbass flower crowns. If so, they're out of luck.
In a cryptic yet fiery Instagram post on Sunday, the rapper blasted the Madison Club for "racial profiling," calling it "the most offensive place I have every stayed at in my life." His fans across the world were shocked—a golf course and country club that racially profiled guests? Who ever heard of such a thing?
Drake wound up deleting the post, but the damage was done. Screenshots of it spread across the internet like sunscreen on a pale Coachella guest's exposed midriff. Soon, hardcore Drizzy fans were ganging up on the Madison Club online, flooding it with negative reviews on his behalf.
In the comments on Drake's original post, the club tried to control the situation by promising that a "formal apology" was on its way, writing, "We will also be investigating this as we do not tolerate racial discrimination." They'd better get cracking on that apology. Otherwise, they might never host another hip hop fan again. Although it sounds like they would be fine with that.
3. Tori Spelling, because the IRS drank her milkshake.
We've reported before on Tori Spelling's money problems, but they just keep getting worse. It seems like no matter what she does, the former Beverly Hills, 90210 star can't control her spending. And when she tries to cut back, she skimps on the wrong things—like paying her taxes.
Last summer, she and her husband Dean McDermott were hit with a $259,108.23 lien for unpaid state taxes dating back to 2014. Soon after, they were hit with a $707,480.30 lien in unpaid federal taxes. Added together, those oustanding debts total way more than the DVD royalties she's pulling in from made-for-TV hits like 1996's Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?
Now, Spelling and McDermott's long history of tax evasion has finally caught up with them. The IRS has totally drained their bank accounts. Luckily, they have many rich and famous friends who can help them out in their time of need. But if I were giving them a loan, I wouldn't count on getting it back anytime soon.
2. A professor who's suing Wal-Mart for throwing stinky shade at him on his fishing license.
Dr. Gilbert Kalonde is an assistant professor of technology education at Montana State University, and an amateur fisherman. In April 2015, he went to his local Wal-Mart to buy a fishing license. During the process, a Wal-Mart employee asked Kalonde what he does for a living. He explained he was a professor and provided his MSU credentials. But evidently, that wasn't good enough for this smartass clerk. The Bozeman Daily Chronicle reports that when Kalonde received his license, it listed his occupation as "clean toilets."
There are multiple reasons why this prank is especially offensive. First of all, the man is a professor of higher learning. Also, he's an immigrant (from Zambia), which adds a possible discriminatory motive. And finally, "clean toilets" is not a job. It's not even a noun.
The worst part is that Kalonde didn't even notice the sabotage until years later. He renewed his fishing license in 2016, and although he again made it clear that he was a damn professor, his new license also said "clean toilets." He still had no idea, however, until he showed it to his teaching assistant and a few students, who asked if he had changed jobs. That's when he got mad.
Professor Kalonde is suing Wal-Mart for libel, claiming that the megastore wanted to expose him to "hatred, contempt, ridicule or obloquy." I know he's a man of letters, but he might want to dumb down the language of his lawsuit. The word "obloquy" might fly over the head of the guy who wrote "clean toilets."
1. This kid who lost his hat to an overenthusiastic Donald Trump.
At Monday morning's White House Easter Egg Roll (which was a giant mess), President Trump took some time out from not reading to the children to sign memorabilia. One young fan asked him to sign his beloved "Make America Great Again" baseball cap, and the president was happy to oblige. But then he got carried away.
Did you see that? He threw the kid's hat away! Now the kid has no hat! Some Easter this turned out to be.
If President Trump really cares about the youth of America as much as he says, he'll launch a full Secret Service investigation into finding that hat. It'll be the least frivolous expense of his administration so far.