5. Sean Hannity, because he's the latest Fox News host to get busted for sexual harassment.
Less than a week after Fox News fired Bill O'Reilly, its most popular anchor, over sexual harassment allegations, it looks like a similar fate could befall his heir apparent, Sean Hannity. Over the weekend, he was also accused of harassment.
In a radio interview on Friday, former Fox News contributor and conservative commentator Debbie Schlussel said that during an event they were both attending in Detroit, Hannity asked her to come back to his hotel. When she turned him down, she was not invited to appear on his show again. Schlussel said, "This kind of stuff is all over the place at Fox News and anything that has to do with Sean Hannity."
If advertisers started dropping Hannity like they did with O'Reilly, it would be bad news for the network. O'Reilly and Hannity have long been its two largest talking heads, both figuratively and literally.
If Fox News were forced to fire Hannity as well, it would be up to Tucker Carlson to save the network. In other words, Fox News would die.
4. Kylie Jenner, because fur protesters ruined her red carpet moment.
Reality starlet Kylie Jenner was in Las Vegas on Saturday for the grand opening of Sugar Factory, a 22,000-square-foot restaurant/candy shop/clothes retailer/celebrity hangout. (We don't get it either.)
She stopped by the red carpet, but was forced to cut her photo op short when she realized protesters were waiting for her there, ready to turn her sweet evening bitter. As you can see in this video from TMZ, they immediately started heckling her about her love of furs.
They started chanting that Jenner has "blood on her hands," prompting a swift exit from the young celebutante. Sure, she could have stayed and debated the ethics of fur with them (especially because she's attached her name to fake fur products in the past) but she was too busy. She had candy to buy, or something.
Sorry, we're still just very confused by this store.
3. Prince William, because he got squirted.
Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge (a.k.a. the world's crush Kate Middleton) came out for the London Marathon on Sunday. While they weren't running themselves (William's ankles are far too aristocratic for that), they heroically stood on the sidelines, handing out bottles of water to their subjects and cheering them on in their jolly old jog. That is, until some modern-day Guy Fawkes decided to throw that royal gift back in the Prince's face… literally.
Some unidentified prankster with an anti-royalist agenda squirted William in the face with a dose of H2O. His Highness laughed it off with a good-natured grimace, but deep inside his monarchic brain, he must have been pissed. You know what he really wanted to do to that guy.
2. A Massachusetts man who tried to sell graves to more than one stiff.
71-year-old John Hughes of Revere, MA was sentenced on Thursday to two years probation (including three months of home confinement) after pleading guilty to one of the most shortsighted cons we've ever heard. Hughes, the administrator of a city-owned cemetery since 2007, had apparently been selling unused burial plots at a discount since 2011, even though those plots had already been sold to future occupants. He kept his scheme secret from the town and pocketed all the money, selling a total of 13 double-booked graves before he was caught. How rude!
While the news of his crime will definitely come as a disappointment to everyone he conned, at least he was found out before any of the purchasers actually died. Imagine going to a loved one's funeral, only to find there's already someone in the grave. It's like the awkwardness of walking in on someone in the bathroom, multiplied by 100. Plus grief.
1. A guy who impersonated a cop and accidentally pulled over a real cop.
Pretending to be a cop and pulling over drivers may seem like a victimless crime, if you're an idiot. But if you're doing it, you're probably an idiot already. After all, you never know who's going to roll down the window. Marcos Pacheco-Bustamante of Miami-Dade County, FL learned that the hard way recently, when he pulled over a real detective in full uniform.
With a blue flashing light attached to the top of his dark green Ford Crown Victoria, Pacheco-Bustamante made a traffic stop on I-95 during the middle of rush hour. Unfortunately, the vehicle he stopped turned out to be an unmarked police car driven by Miami-Dade Detective Alton Martin, who immediately saw through the ruse.
Pacheco-Bustamante was charged with impersonating a police officer and jailed on $5,000 bond. Under questioning, he revealed that this wasn't the first time he'd played Cops and Robbers. Police also found a realistic-looking BB gun by the driver's seat.
Despite this damning evidence, he insists his motivation was pure—he usually only pulled over drivers who were speeding or texting. So he's not really a crook, he's just an amateur vigilante. Like a low-rent Batman.