5. Ryan Lochte, because he had to grovel to Matt Lauer.
The Summer Olympics have officially wrapped un in Rio, but you wouldn't know it from reading the news—everyone is still preoccupied with 2016's favorite new event, the Ryan Lochte Shameathlon. After the American swimmer initially claimed he and his bros had been robbed at gunpoint, it turned out that story was just a cover-up for the awful truth—they had gotten wasted and peed all over a gas station bathroom.
Now that the story is out, Lochte is going on a nationwide apology tour, groveling at the feet of America's most judgmental media figures in an effort to look like less of a douchebag than he is. This morning, he finally appeared on the Today show to prostrate himself in front of America's vice principal, Matt Lauer.
Check out Lochte's full interview if you really want to have a good cringe. Or just wait for him to be interviewed by Oprah. That'll be a bloodbath.
4. Mischa Barton, because she skipped out on work and it cost her $200k.
Fomer O.C. star Mischa Barton can't get any good press these days. First she tried to support the Black Lives Matter movement with the most spectacularly tone-deaf Instagram post of all time. And now she's facing a six-figure fine, all because she chose to party instead of showing up for work.
TMZ reports that Barton had signed on to start in the upcoming independent film Promoted this past spring, but went M.I.A. on March 3, the day before shooting was set to begin. Producers tried to email her, but just got a response from her mom that she was in Europe and wouldn't be available for weeks. Then, to add to her problems, Barton posted tweets of herself cruising with some hot guy in Italy.
Promoted's screenwriter, Daniel Lief, took Barton to court, and now a judge has ordered that she must pay Lief $200,000 for her shenanigans. And if that seems steep, consider this: the delay in production cost the movie $300,000. Plus they had to recast the lead with somebody who doesn't have the star power of a washed-up soap opera actress from 2006.
3. Leonardo DiCaprio, because he wrecked the car.
It might seem like Leonardo DiCaprio has the best life in the world, but he's also under a lot of pressure. In addition to having to maintain his high-profile acting career, he also has to worry about appearing young in front of his many beautiful girlfriends, none of whom have been over 25. And it's hard to look young when you're getting in fender benders like Mr. Magoo.
The AP reports that DiCaprio and his current babe, 24-year-old Danish supermodel Nina Agdal, were unhurt when the actor got into a minor accident in East Hampton on Saturday. The actor has frequented the Hamptons for years, but this is his first crash there. Maybe he's getting into character to play famous Long Island reckless driver Billy Joel in a biopic? We can only hope.
2. A guy who ate 40 knives and got a bellyache.
42-year-old Jarnail Singh of Gurdaspur, India was recently admitted to the hospital because of severe stomach pains and weakness. Doctors performed an ultrasound on his abdomen, where they discovered a large and puzzling mass. Inserting a camera into his stomach to learn more, they realized that what they thought was a tumor was actually shards of metal and wood.
They were forced to ask him an awkward question: "Have you been eating knives?" Singh's answer: yup. He explained that he had developed an urge to eat knives after recovering from a car accident. (Look out, Leo). He believed that he had swallowed 28 knives, but after a five-hour surgery, doctors wound up removing 40 of the pointy treats from his stomach.
Asked by reporters to explain himself, Singh only had this to say: “I felt like eating knives and ate them.” So that checks out.
1. A drug dealer who tried to evade cops by wearing an old man mask.
Shaun Miller (a.k.a. Shizz Miller) is an alleged drug trafficker who was on the run from the law from April until August 18. That's when cops discovered the 31-year-old Massachusetts resident hiding out on Cape Cod. When officers raided his hideout, Miller tried to trick them by putting on a realistic latex mask of an old man. But because real life isn't Mission: Impossible, it didn't work.
In the home, police found two loaded weapons in a laundry basket, as well as almost $30,000 in cash. Maybe next time, Miller will think to spend some of that money on a more realistic mask. Or he could at least have the sense not to answer to the name "Shizz" when the cops are around.