5. Chris Pratt and Anna Faris, because they're dunzo.
Yes, those are two people—but they used to be one.
A devastating blow to people who projected their fantasies on gorgeous famouses pretending to be normal folks on social media, Chris "I star in not one, but TWO major franchises" Pratt and Anna "I'm more than the Emoji Movie" Faris have announced their separation. As Tom Haverford on Pratt's beloved sitcom Parks and Recreation would say:
Anna Faris announced the end of their eight-year marriage in a screenshot of a text, which was probably sent to a divorce lawyer.
This is a crushing blow to fans who looked to them as proof that a relationship could survive the tumultuous terrain of Hollywood.
Sorry Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell, it's all on you now. It's up to you to keep up hope that love is real.
4. Senator Richard Blumenthal (D-CT) because he's being cyberbullied by the president.
President Donald Trump his spending his self-proclaimed "working vacation" in New Jersey doing exactly what he does in the White House—sitting on his ass, live-tweeting cable news. After calling the New York Times "inept" (it isn't), his "base...far bigger & stronger than ever" (all the polls disagree) and claiming that he is "working hard from New Jersey" (sure looks like it!), Trump decided to target his Twitter missile towards Connecticut Senator Richard Blumenthal, who had just popped up on CNN to discuss the investigation into Russian election interference.
His bone spurs must have been acting up this morning, because Donnie T. got particularly whiny. The man who got five draft deferments and called avoiding STDs his "personal Vietnam" called Blumenthal a "phony Vietnam con artist," which could be a good title for a satirical movie a la Tropic Thunder.
Hey, Melania Trump: how's your anti-cyberbullying initiative coming along?
This segment of Trump's tweetstorm is a throwback to a controversy back during Blumenthal's 2010 Senate campaign, in which he said he had "served" in Vietnam, even though he was based in the United States throughout his full Marine service.
Well, at least he was in the Marines.
For his part, Blumenthal is standing strong, which he can do, because he doesn't have heel spurs.
3. Usher, because he's being sued for allegedly spreading herpes.
Usher Raymond IV, known as the one-named wonder "Usher," is being sued by a woman for allegedly not disclosing the fact that he had herpes before they boned.
The accuser held a press conference in New York with celebrity attorney Lisa Bloom, who announced that she was filing a lawsuit in California on behalf of three individuals—three women and one man. "At least one of my clients has tested positive," Bloom said.
It was reported in July that Usher had settled a lawsuit with a stylist for $1.1 million, and the court papers claimed that he had unprotected sex without disclosing his status. According the New York Daily News:
The law is clear in California: It is illegal to knowingly or recklessly transmit an STD. Usher allegedly did just that when he told the victim he had tested negative for the virus, despite a “greenish discharge” from his penis, the court papers say.
Now, more alumni of Usher's bed are coming forward, seeking $20 million for "emotional harm, medical bills and punitive damages."
Damn, Usher. You better reveal your herpes status in Confessions Part III.
2. Kylie Jenner, because she feels like an "outcast."
If there's one thing that suggests that Kylie Jenner is obsessed with herself, it's not that she has a career of taking selfies but the fact that she launched a new reality show that she thinks can compete with Game of Thrones on Sundays.
Last night, Life of Kylie premiered as Lannisters burned to show a "different side" of the Kardashians' kid sister. The "different side" included her saying such things as "We never take the Lambo. I feel so bad for it," and also an attempt to brand herself as a lonely outcast because she's just so famous.
Growing up on television has to feel alienating, but is the answer to feeling alienated by television...making more television?
Momager Kris Jenner might want to think this new branding strategy out, because it's getting her roasted.
1. The Iowa man who got arrested for drugs because he tried to deposit a million dollar bill.
A dude in Sioux City, Iowa got busted for meth possession when he strutted into a bank with what he claimed was a bill worth $1,000,000.
A bank employee quickly reported the strange request, calling the police. When the fuzz showed up, they heard paper rustling in the man's pockets and asked him if he had any more bills in there.
The man then allegedly whipped out his baggie of methamphetamine that was making the noise in his jeans.
For future reference, here's how to know if a million dollar bill is fake: If it says, "$1,000,000," it's fake—the United States Mint doesn't print paper that fancy.
But watch Donald Trump create one just so he can put his face on it.